I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

Well, its been a long time since I last blogged... Still no archive luck, but haven't been trying that hard recently. I've been too busy having fun in the out side world. This time of year, around summer solstice, has always been good for me, and this year is no exception. Its like I just need the light, I thrive on the light. The long long days, I'm hardly sleeping. I am blooming. Everyone agrees.
Hective took me, Vee and Ace to France to visit uncle Mark and it was just so nice.
I feel different.
I hope it lasts, 'cos it seems to have strengthened me. My attitude is improved. The three day trip seemed much longer. We were beset with delays, but still feel so relaxed and calm.
France was beautiful, Marks' like an living issue of Elle decoration,. Travelling just seemed to work. It cleared my head. So often recently, trips away have been so stressful and exhausting, it was such a treat to have a real holiday. Ahhh...

Today is the day of my daughter Ace's dancing show. Two performances, at the church hall. A welcome reprieve from inner city ghetto life, but equally a day that usually requires quantities of fags and booze to get through calmly. With public displays of smoking now very much frowned upon, and a complete inability to drink, there will be no relief for this showbiz mum!
Late last night I checked out this really inspiring blog, 'blogumentary' by some NewYork multimedia head and it just looked brilliant, the way I'd so much like this to look...loads of images, great layout. I am so unhappy with the look of my blog, devoid of images and interesting text and colour, but whilst I am unable to find my archives, I cannot find the incentive to continue learning this most puzzling and complex medium. I definately need some help, but have nowwhere to turn. Its way frustrating, because there is so much I'd llike to do.

So much time to think...and I cant think of anything. In many ways I'm still in a bad way, but there is calmness in my relationships to others, which I'd do well to appreciate.

Where are my fucking archives?????
Haven't had a fag all day, so I'm a little...hmm...I wonder will I make it through the day.
I realised that the key to stopping smoking the fags, was to smoke a spliff every time, then when you do have a straight, it tastes like shit. Which works as long as you havent got any hash/weed...
I dont know why I cant make my logic connect with my will on this matter. I haven't found it so difficult for years.

...I'm just going to have to trust you completely... I says to my love this weekend. And so I must.
TRUST...it's a key word in life really. You just have to through yourself in, and TRUST that everything's goning to be alright.
He sang me that song this weekend, actually sang to me...dont worry, 'bout a thing, 'cos every little things, gonna be alright...

It's midnight. Many of my friends are at Vitamin2k's housewarming party, just up the road. I even bought a new outfit today, and yet I have no desire to be there. Have I lost my will to party?? I went out last night though and felt so lonley within a crowd, I just had to leave. I managed to appear positive, and thats what seems to matter. Unable to keep up the fascade with Xes dad this evening, on discovering he was due for a big comedown tomorrow, Just like, waiting all week to be together, only to face a twitchy, disinterested, sleepy, and inevitably bad tempered companion.

Went into Mothercare today and stared for a long time at the vibrating bouncy chairs.

I'm bored. I'm restless. I'm uninspired. I have no energy at all.
Yesterday, I was similar. Sat on a kitchen chair that collapsed under my wieght, causing great shock and a little injury. Was sick in the evening.
Last night I dreamt I was living on the top of a lighthouse that had no fence around it, awoke exhausted.

I'm angry too, and I dont know how to deal with it.

Where the fuck are my archives??? I ask the universe as if this will bring me an answer.
Followed Bloggers instructions to the letter in an attempt to retrieve them, but...WTF??

Cannibis Festival was the very best day I've had all year. So many of my old mates, it was uplifting. So many gorgeous, fabulous people I am lucky enough to call friends.

Im too tired today though.

Temporarily lost the will to do everything really.
caught in an endless destructive cycle, of me asking for help and being told to fuck off.
It hurts everytime.
My heart and head wont connect. I cannot seem to accept the situation, much less, be happy with it.
I am alone as ever, and He is begining to hate me it seems.

I cant stop smoking.