Thursday, February 24, 2005
So I've had a few days off. Half term. Got to leave London, see lots of old friends, plus Rosies new baby son, have fun with me kids etc. Generally a very fine week has past. However, inevitably I am drawn back to the computer, and I find myself feeling caught between feeling strangley peeved to have missed out on so many interesting threads on U75 (which inturn makes me feel el. saddo.) a strong desire to exist online.
feels like I cannot exist here, without existing on Urban, despite being so insignificant there.
And a kind of loathing for this pin-small world that is so time hungry and uninclusive.
One part of me wants to treat it with contempt, but then there's my fundemental need to exist.
Just when I thought I was reaching some sense of perspective about all this, 'Anonomous' comes in, with their complimentary comment.
I thank you for that.
But, feel obliged to admit that I did wonder if annonmous was just part of the machine registering my concerns, encouraging me, so that I would continue to help power this massive yet tiny part of the modern world.
Perhaps obviously, I had been smoking again. I seemed to take it up like a natural, before I'd even left London. They went in the bin. Hective brough around a beetroot yesterday, I juiced that, and vowed to make yet another fresh start.
feels like I cannot exist here, without existing on Urban, despite being so insignificant there.
And a kind of loathing for this pin-small world that is so time hungry and uninclusive.
One part of me wants to treat it with contempt, but then there's my fundemental need to exist.
Just when I thought I was reaching some sense of perspective about all this, 'Anonomous' comes in, with their complimentary comment.
I thank you for that.
But, feel obliged to admit that I did wonder if annonmous was just part of the machine registering my concerns, encouraging me, so that I would continue to help power this massive yet tiny part of the modern world.
Perhaps obviously, I had been smoking again. I seemed to take it up like a natural, before I'd even left London. They went in the bin. Hective brough around a beetroot yesterday, I juiced that, and vowed to make yet another fresh start.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
I'll have to a have a little sleep for a while....
Thursday, February 10, 2005
So last night, after succumbing to just two tokes on a mind bendingly strong spliff (some new hybrid) I had the overwhelming vision that this blog was utterly utterly PANTS.
I need to do much much better if I am to achieve anything at all.
All this personal crap. Obviously I should just keep a diary, without publishing it.
Surely it is madness to be so open.
Now that I know people are visiting here, (well it could be just one spooky stalker for fucks sake) it somehow seems more real than before, when it was just between me and the machine, and I should have something interesting to say, or say nothing.
Well it seemed really clear last night. I was becoming, no I was addicted to this machine. It has become almost my most meaningful relationship. It is my comfort, my solace, and I must spend less time wwith it, and make the very most of my time with all my loved ones..
I need to do much much better if I am to achieve anything at all.
All this personal crap. Obviously I should just keep a diary, without publishing it.
Surely it is madness to be so open.
Now that I know people are visiting here, (well it could be just one spooky stalker for fucks sake) it somehow seems more real than before, when it was just between me and the machine, and I should have something interesting to say, or say nothing.
Well it seemed really clear last night. I was becoming, no I was addicted to this machine. It has become almost my most meaningful relationship. It is my comfort, my solace, and I must spend less time wwith it, and make the very most of my time with all my loved ones..
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I made this banner for my friend Bashment Bish.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I'm so pleased I retuned to Tai-Chi.
Last night was kind of expansive, even though I still got horribly stuck on 'grasping the bird'.
The best part was, I came home and slept like a baby. I even seemed to leave the bitterness I was feeling earlier behind.
Love it!
Last night was kind of expansive, even though I still got horribly stuck on 'grasping the bird'.
The best part was, I came home and slept like a baby. I even seemed to leave the bitterness I was feeling earlier behind.
Love it!
Monday, February 07, 2005
Last night we went to dinner at Ts dads' friend, which would of been lovley, having food cooked for me, were it not for T falling and hitting his head against a glass tv stand.
Luckily he was ok, although he does have a large red mark on the brow bone today, but it was shocking. Having had three kids, I was kind of calm, knew what to do etc. but it was Ts dads' attitute that has really disturbed me. He was like, well if you hadn't had that glass of wine you'd of caught him in time, laying the blame quickly and firmly at my door. It didn't even occur to him to be supportive to me, in the situation, it was just, my fault.
Today, I keep having these thoughts like, I look after T all the time. Alone. I keep him safe and happy and well nourished. I change his every single shitty nappy, I would do anything for him, in fact I doubt there is a more devoted mum, and do I ever recieve any praise? I dont expect any, but somehow this casual remake from a fucking heroin addict for fucks sake has hurt me. I shouldn't of had the wine. I guess as I am solely and totally responsible, I should never let a drop pass my lips ever, so no one can ever fault me.
I wish I could stop dwelling on it.
After that I proceeded to empty the entire bottle of wine, my phone fell into the disgustingly skanky toilet, and Ts' dad continued to criticise me for not being able to handle my drink and not liking me when I'd had a drink.
I woke up in the night feeling so upset and alone.
Luckily he was ok, although he does have a large red mark on the brow bone today, but it was shocking. Having had three kids, I was kind of calm, knew what to do etc. but it was Ts dads' attitute that has really disturbed me. He was like, well if you hadn't had that glass of wine you'd of caught him in time, laying the blame quickly and firmly at my door. It didn't even occur to him to be supportive to me, in the situation, it was just, my fault.
Today, I keep having these thoughts like, I look after T all the time. Alone. I keep him safe and happy and well nourished. I change his every single shitty nappy, I would do anything for him, in fact I doubt there is a more devoted mum, and do I ever recieve any praise? I dont expect any, but somehow this casual remake from a fucking heroin addict for fucks sake has hurt me. I shouldn't of had the wine. I guess as I am solely and totally responsible, I should never let a drop pass my lips ever, so no one can ever fault me.
I wish I could stop dwelling on it.
After that I proceeded to empty the entire bottle of wine, my phone fell into the disgustingly skanky toilet, and Ts' dad continued to criticise me for not being able to handle my drink and not liking me when I'd had a drink.
I woke up in the night feeling so upset and alone.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
I'm really up and excited. (dont know how long it will last!)
My dear Icelandic friend, Vitamin2K is having some kind of exhibtion, and she's asked everyone she knows to make a Tshirt to go in it.
We, all I can say is, it is wonderful to have a creative brief once agin.
Its scary, its terrifying, its hard...but I love it.
My Tshirt, well, I dont know what to think about it, I just rediscovered an old book of ribbon samples I've kept for years and began sewing some on a plain black T. No message, no politics...just...well I dont even know yet, the process has just begun. I'm bound to feel inadequate. I'm bound to wonder why I couldn't be better....
But it is a pleasure to be asked, and a pleasure to create.
My dear Icelandic friend, Vitamin2K is having some kind of exhibtion, and she's asked everyone she knows to make a Tshirt to go in it.
We, all I can say is, it is wonderful to have a creative brief once agin.
Its scary, its terrifying, its hard...but I love it.
My Tshirt, well, I dont know what to think about it, I just rediscovered an old book of ribbon samples I've kept for years and began sewing some on a plain black T. No message, no politics...just...well I dont even know yet, the process has just begun. I'm bound to feel inadequate. I'm bound to wonder why I couldn't be better....
But it is a pleasure to be asked, and a pleasure to create.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Had a totally rubbish couple of days health wise. For some reason, Im totally ignoring my low-fat/water/juice/sleep/long-walk plan, in favour of pure grass spliffs, redwine,cakes and TV and sitting here, glued to the computer. To what effect or purpose I wonder.
Oh my goodness, I was just interupted with a phone call from my dear friend Rosie. She is in labour!
Oh my goodness, I was just interupted with a phone call from my dear friend Rosie. She is in labour!
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Yesterday, I get to meet Reddreads' baby boy, and he is beautiful, just like her in fact. Doesn't seem to have her red hair, but definately her eyes, her face, in miniature.
Also yesterday, Hective became engaged to be married. So lots of change for the family this year.
T's dad came around to babysit whilst I went to TaiChi, but it was cancelled, (just when I'd got the hang of the seven stars, or whatever its called, it had really stuck in my brain suprizingly enough) So we had an unexpected evening together without big kids around, and we didn't talk about anything serious, and it was lovley.
On Saturday, I had gone to the Unsound, but found it extreamly sanitized. The absense of the Unsound rig was most noticable. Bass lines please!!
I'm getting too old to go out though, one geezer came up to me completely out of the blue, and said I looked like his mates mum, only fitter. I'm glad he added on the last bit, but really, I dont want to be reminded thanks. I've got to stop, but I just love the music and dancing...
Also yesterday, Hective became engaged to be married. So lots of change for the family this year.
T's dad came around to babysit whilst I went to TaiChi, but it was cancelled, (just when I'd got the hang of the seven stars, or whatever its called, it had really stuck in my brain suprizingly enough) So we had an unexpected evening together without big kids around, and we didn't talk about anything serious, and it was lovley.
On Saturday, I had gone to the Unsound, but found it extreamly sanitized. The absense of the Unsound rig was most noticable. Bass lines please!!
I'm getting too old to go out though, one geezer came up to me completely out of the blue, and said I looked like his mates mum, only fitter. I'm glad he added on the last bit, but really, I dont want to be reminded thanks. I've got to stop, but I just love the music and dancing...
