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Thursday, June 23, 2005

Woohoo!!
The day before our annual trip to Butlins. A different resort this time. I'm nervous because the fine weather we've had all week is due to break tonight, I so would love it to be sunny. It makes the holiday really.
Also a bit nervous about the coach joutney, its a longer trip, and I dont want to arrive covered in vomit like last year. Still at least I'm bringing extra clothes.
Plus travelling to Victoria coach station with all the luggage for so early in the morning is a bit of a nightmare. Vee is already saying he will only carry his own stuff, well we'll bloody well see about that, great strapping fourteen year old that he is.
Spent the morning so far trying to find things that are lost, somewhere within this flat. Varying degrees of success. Most annoying of all, seem to have lost spare memory stick for camera. The harder I look, the hotter and more flustered I become.
Let it go.....
It's all good though.
See you upon my return.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Here's a very tired Tea and his dad, quite ready to go home.


It was a mad night followed by a beautiful sunrise.
I cant resist posting a couple of pictures, even though I failed to capture either the full moon, nor the actual sunrise. It's funny, I always have the same experience, kind of a bewildered wait, bones gradually freezing until you feel glued to the spot, never bringing enough to drink, eat or smoke, wondering endlessly why I am here, and then the sun comes up, and suddenly I feel warm and quite euphoric and at peace with the world. Stonehenge rocks!


So we made it to the Henge for the solstice.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Paid the Gas bill last week �110.
Then today, along comes the phone bill �90 AND the leccy �40. Bloody brilliant timing. Grrrr... I've been trying to save so hard, only to fall at this last hurdle. I dont know when I thought they were all coming in, but I didn't really bank on them the week before my holiday.
I used to have this jar, I called it my 'magic jar', because every week I'd put �15 in it, and whenever the bills arrived there was always money enough in the jar.(hence it was magic to me), nowdays I dont use the jar and the bills cripple me.


Happy Solstice everyone!


Tea and his dad at Stonehenge on my 40th birthday. Teas' dad wants to take us there tonight for the solstice. Hmmm....

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Absolutely scorching hot. I'm eating plantain crisps, which although deep fried, claim to have no cholesterol. They are far too delicious for that to be true.


AaaaaaaGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
No outside space. Feel the need and longing for a balcony deeply right now. Sometimes when Im stuck in here, I do wished I'd played the game a bit. I should go down the park I know.

Holiday on Friday!!!!!!!
I am looking forward to being disconnected from everything.
A bit of head space for me really.
Plus proper, close and sustained lovliness with all my children.
Cant wait.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I have got to get out of London. The walls are closing in on me here. The flat feels smaller every day. I guess three people growing = less space every day, but I feel more confined than that. I stare out of the window and appreciate the trees. I long for a bit of proper time outdoors. Our holiday is well timed. We are off to Minehead next week, and I am really going to make the most of this rest and space and fresh air and seaside flowers.
It's funny 'cos we're leaving on the Glastonbury Friday, and heading in the same direction, to then be so near. I'm thinking about taking a tiny sound system to our chalet in Butlins as a tribute.

I just added a link to the British blog directory. I was stunned by some of the other Lambeth bloggers. I recommend checking them out. Still cant manage to post a bloody link up here on this side of the page after all this time.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Urban75 is teaching me many things. *insert big greatful smiley*


Why I feel the need to do all this online. is perhaps a reality I haven't quite thought through enough.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Actually, I've just read the post below and feel I ought to do some editing,or explaining 'cos I've been thinking about the party last night and the state of squat parties these days. Well what I hear about them. Last night was the first squat party I'd been to for nearly three years.
I left so early, but from what I saw this party had a really good friendly atmosphere and loads of effort had been put in to make it special, and I wouldn't want any outstanding unresolved fucked-up issues on my part to cloud my judgement. too much. Anyway, I may write some more balanced stuff later. Sunday becons.

Hmmm...well, last night I went to the Reclaim the Future party.
Such a mixed bag of unexpected emotions.

We arrived early 'cos we had T. in tow, they were all still setting up really.
We were charged five pound each to enter.
I didn't really mind, but did joke that in my day, it would have been free.
For everyone. I would of bloody insisted.
Upon entering the huge dark and dirty building, i felt rushes of excitment and nostalgia, coupled with almost disbelief that this was how I used to spend every Saturday night for a few years. As I hugged Phil, whose was sound checking his mighty rig upstairs, tears welled inside me. He had come along way, but was still the methodical and knowledgable person he'd always been. He was playing some Lebonese pop music, followed Klasma (?) which was very relaxing, and enjoyable for T.
He's taking his rig to Palestine for a year, he is a remarkable young man, whom I am lucky to have spent time with.
As things began to get going we toured the building, bumping into many faces from the past. I was happy that I still knew so many people, but as my friend Donach said, everyone would of known me back then...
The party was sorted in many ways. There was a well stocked bar. Banners were hung everywhere, Anti-capitalist, G8 and an ancient Reclaim the Streets (not one of mine) At least five rigs (not exactly sure) but big sounds, many equiped for live bands.
They had lots of problems with the power though, and hardly any lighting at all.
At one point I went to check out the basement where my gorgous and lovley friend Gee was helping set up, but got completely disorientated because they only had one flashing strobe light. I had difficulty finding the staircase, and when I did, I found myself accidently leaving the party. It was then I noticed exactly who was working the door, and it shocked me greatly.
Two old school RTSers were there, taking fivers off everyone. Well, I'd had a few drinks by then, and I found myself momentarily outraged. Can't remember what I said, dont even know what was getting my goat the most, (or even if it was rational) that it was them on the door? or that it was in my old domain, or the fact that it wasn't a donation/free party, or the fact that I'd personally been charged to get in.I dont bloody know (old wounds prove hard to heal or someting) Iguess I was lary (well I'm still the same person after all), and I could tell they didn't understand me, at all, which kind of hurt. Sensibly, I withdrew, proberbly not soon enough.

And then I began to look at the party with fresh eyes. Whilst this was very well organised for a squat party, sorted, as I have said, Where was the politics? Where was the kids room for that matter? Where were the protest films and photos and where were the cups of tea and skipped food? And why wasn't it a free perty. A party that stepped outside the ordinary, by rejecting commodification.
By the standards of the previous Reclaim the Future party, this wasn't up to scatch I ranted bitterly on the way home.

I had found the environment so exciting and energising though. I loved skipping or dancing through the big dark spaces, with the fat sounds blasting through me. I had a little dance to some techno, and found it most pleasurable. I listened to some cool American folk singers who carried on most impressively after suffering a power cut mid stream. They just jumped down off stage into the audience and played even harder.
Rhythms of Resistance played downstairs, they need to be moving really, but were still really impressive. I'd met many friends old and new, my new U75 buddies, so really it was a fantastic night for me, soured only by that unresolved issue that refuses to quite go away.

She'd even come up to me, Limetrees, the instigator.
Well, we hugged, and the very first thing I'd said was that I'd always love her, because it's true, she was there in the begining, she invited me in, further and further, I admired and respected her for many years,. I have convinced myself that she in no way intended to exclude me. Bla, fucking bla..but I didn't get to say that of course.
We struggled to have a normal conversation. She admired T. and left.

She was still on the door when we left around 1am. There was a massive queue outside and the entrance was jammed. I had to force a space so that I could carry through T. safely. They said bye. I said yeah, Bye. Part of me wanted to stay and continue to bump into more lovley people but after pasing them on the door again, I said that I'd need paying to pass them again. Something about them leaves me gutted. And if that is the total sum of there collective political activism, then I'm not much impressed. Sure it was a lovley party, flushing toilets and bog roll, but for them. ..Hmmm.


Foot note: It was a benefit! just realised it was a benefit. (not sure for what though) So I guess the fivers issue is a non-starter and Im just bitter and twisted.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I think my memory is fucked. I try very hard to remember things I thought I'd never forget, and as for the tiny details...
I wonder if it's possible to re-remember. Aaaagggghhhhhh.....Is all I can say.
T is having this mammoth sleep, I've tried waking him, but he's pretty unmovable. Been involved in this heavy thread on U75 which is basically about someone I used to know. And it's hard to remember all the exact details. I find it very hard on that place to be effective. I wonder if I waste too much of my time there. I guess it's better than daytime tv. And definately better than bloody housework, but I dont have enough authority somehow, and I'm scared to say too much because, well, 1) my memory really is fucked, and 2)it was an intense time, there was a lot to focus on,
and 3) I'd never want to infer that I knew everything about everyone and everything , I simply didin't. I dont think I cared much at the time, I just kind of focused on what I felt was important. Actually with RTS, it is as it always was, there is no one voice. I wonder exactly who this person is, stirring the shit. And I wonder why they surface now. What's wierd though is I was very unkeen on the person they're smearing myself, and at the time could proberbly be found mouthing off loudly in the pub about how I didn't quite trust him, but I do sort of realise that he was sound, hence find myself almost defending him. Aaaghhh.....

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


The other fun had last weekend, was going to Stawberry Fair. Here's the lovley Stig, with the editor of everyones' favorite website, Urban75 underneath a rainbow!

I shouldn't be posting here because the kitchen is minging (as they say). I cant believe how much of my life is spent in running the house, and I'm a slacker. The women at baby group were talking about how they mopped their kitchen floors daily.

Monday, June 06, 2005

So I just had a fabulous weekend.
There's something about waiting months and months for something, when the day finally comes, it's just so exciting.
The Destinys Child gig with Ace, was just so lovley. It was so special to do something for and with Ace alone, her face was a picture all night. We were smiling throughtout, despite being caught in the most monsoon like thunderstorm on the way that filled our shoes with water and were totally drenched.
It didn't matter. We arrived almost stupidly early, I say stupidly because it cost me a lot of money to wait the two hours untill the concert began, but once I'd recovered from the �7.80 glass of wine, I just threw myself into it and enjoyed the atmos.
Destinys Child themselves did not dissapoint. I never even realised that they'd had so many hits. I kept getting told off though for trying to take pictures. I turned off the flash, but they still saw me. It must be a grim job doing that all night, the woman who stopped me during Beyonces' tremendous performance of 'crazy in Love' didn't really have the heart, and no one need of been worried 'cos as you see below, we were way back, actually behind the front of the stage...and anyway, it was a bit mean not to let us go home with a photo I thought. So we did.


Beyonce!!!


Ace really enjoing herself.


Kelly


This really is Destinys Child, singing 'soldier'


The glamourous stage, had an elevating staircase and rotating parts and trap doors, it was very elaborate, I thought. And the wonderful backdrop, make enirely of lights, looked great with the flag on.
I also really enjoyed hearing the band, who were tight, and not at all kareoke.


The fabulous drapes


Getting excited now, in our seats.


I thought this 'guard' was coming to tell us off, but we knew her.


Wearing the DC souvenir wristband and eating a pasty whilst we wait for the show

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I am inexplicably exhausted. Dragging my tired body through the day. Hective just popped around, very quickly mind, and after he left I felt a bit sad. He doesn't really talk to me any more, and the truth is, I miss him. Got to thinking that actually, I am dreading the wedding. It's like a loose-loose situation for me. Assuming the invite (reception only)actually arrives, then I kind of have to go, and I wonder how it will feel to be at your ex-husbands' wedding.

Still the curry is in the oven.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Today the stitches were removed from my eyes. Ouch.
It's a bit bloody chaotic in that hospital, but I must say, every nurse I have encountered has been so professional, so caring.

I had arranged to meet my old friend Reddread and her baby son afterwards, and it was lovley indeed to be with her, but when I got home I felt kind of crushed. Like all the hearing about all the stuff 'they' (rts if you like) had been doing together, and were doing in the future, had taken its toll on me somehow.
I mean, I am independent from it and them, but I cant help but wonder if 'they' ever miss me, or if any of them wonder how ever I managed to find new friends, or in any way miss my presence.
I sound pathetic now. And writing this makes it sound as if I had actually done something anything to royally piss 'them' off. Which I hadn't and haven't. I just must of always been an outsider, even when I was firmly on the 'inside'.

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