Saturday, August 26, 2006
Well, I'm not at Climatecamp. I wish I was. I left it too late to organise really...Spent all my money in Dorset, (which I haven't even begun to say how brilliant it was) didn't have a lift up there, couldn't afford the train fare, not even sure if I wanted to go by train with the kids and all the tat.
So then I thought I might hire a car, but that would have cost a fortune as well....
Anyways, I'm not there but kind of wish I were. It feels funny to be out of it all.
I'm still looking after the forum for them though, but I noticed today they have removed it from the front page menu. Couldn't have made it more difficult to find...and I felt sad about that, despite having had quite a hectic few days beating the trolls.
So then I thought I might hire a car, but that would have cost a fortune as well....
Anyways, I'm not there but kind of wish I were. It feels funny to be out of it all.
I'm still looking after the forum for them though, but I noticed today they have removed it from the front page menu. Couldn't have made it more difficult to find...and I felt sad about that, despite having had quite a hectic few days beating the trolls.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Think I'm gonna move this blog to wordpress. Looks a bit more modern. Need a new feeling... Change is on its' way.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Hearing about all the terrorist threats today has only increased my anxieties. I am never completely at peace whilst Vee and Ace are the other side of the world, but to hear about inbound flight delays and cancellations, my slight unease, has now raised to a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach...
And I was all excited about going to the Endorsit festival, I'd almost managed to put my housing dilemma to one side...but Reddread just texted to say she's not going to make it, and I've not packed a thing.
I'm worried I'll be too busy worrying.
And I was all excited about going to the Endorsit festival, I'd almost managed to put my housing dilemma to one side...but Reddread just texted to say she's not going to make it, and I've not packed a thing.
I'm worried I'll be too busy worrying.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Vee and Ace fly to Japan tomorrow morning.
They've already left me though, and are at their dads, full of anticipation. I bought them each a disposable camera, to make a kind of diary for us back home...
I keep thinking...what a very, very long way away Japan is.
They've already left me though, and are at their dads, full of anticipation. I bought them each a disposable camera, to make a kind of diary for us back home...
I keep thinking...what a very, very long way away Japan is.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
So yesterday, I said I'd go to Sophias' house (the west Norwood lady with the flat on the ground floor).
I'd had a terrible night, agonising, then phoned Nan just before I left the house thinking somehow she'd be really pleased with my news. It seems stupid now, but I was shocked with her response. She was adamant that the woman must be giving up the flat for some reason, there must be rats, mice, ants, cockroaches, damp, nutty neighbours, or some other explanation to why the woman was willing to swap with me. She went on at great length, about what I was giving up....basically, better the devil you know philosophy. So I put the phone down in tears.
I then rang Jay, another mistake, because really soon he's telling me to f*ck off, because he doesn't want to hear my doubts. (He's never any good in a crisis, don't know how I could forget.)
(Anyways, so Ace, Tea and me journey to West Norwood, and it's a sunny morning, and the estate looks better than I remember. Sophia lets us in, and the flat is full, and I mean full of council workmen, there's one painting the window frames in the living room, at least two in the kitchen banging something and another two, electricians this time, in the hall, plus loads of relatives everywhere.
Through the chaos Ace and I do a bit of half hearted measuring, then Ace takes Tea to play out side, when she returns she says, 'it's lovley mum'.
And it does seem all quite lovley. I sit drinking tea with Sofia, she says the kitchen and bathroom have just been treated for damp and redecorated only last week. (This still worries me.)
I also notice paint covers the outside of the living room window, as if someone has thrown a paintbomb at it, she excuses it with carnival...
Anyway, I sign the forms.
And this morning I post them recorded delivery, and feel reasonable happy with my decision all day.
So then I'm sitting in bed reading stories to Tea and I cant quite concentrate on the story because just before I started reading Tea asks when we're going to the park again, we haven't been all week, I've been so busy, and my mind starts to wonder what we will do without any parks close at hand, we're so lucky living here nestled between three parks and there are non close by to the new flat...
The phone rings, and unusually Ace brings it in to me, its Jamie Shitta, my housing officer finally phoning back (I'd been trying to reach him all day) and he gos through all the cons of moving; how the council wont do any repairs for a year after the swap, how the nieghbours could be from hell, the same points as my Nan actually, 'I just want to be on the ground ' I say 'So I can keep an eye on my kids while they play', and he says, 'but you've got that beautiful park right next door to you...and before long I'm in tears again, and for some reason I'm saying to him, I just dont want to leave this estate, I've been here for twenty years,...and I'm sobbing...and he's kind actually, but I'm just in a right old state once again.
And now I'm thinking, is this terrible doubt normal? Or am I about to make a serious mistake? I know I can't speak to Jay about it, because he just doesn't see it. I feel ill from it all really.Wish I knew what to do...
I'd had a terrible night, agonising, then phoned Nan just before I left the house thinking somehow she'd be really pleased with my news. It seems stupid now, but I was shocked with her response. She was adamant that the woman must be giving up the flat for some reason, there must be rats, mice, ants, cockroaches, damp, nutty neighbours, or some other explanation to why the woman was willing to swap with me. She went on at great length, about what I was giving up....basically, better the devil you know philosophy. So I put the phone down in tears.
I then rang Jay, another mistake, because really soon he's telling me to f*ck off, because he doesn't want to hear my doubts. (He's never any good in a crisis, don't know how I could forget.)
(Anyways, so Ace, Tea and me journey to West Norwood, and it's a sunny morning, and the estate looks better than I remember. Sophia lets us in, and the flat is full, and I mean full of council workmen, there's one painting the window frames in the living room, at least two in the kitchen banging something and another two, electricians this time, in the hall, plus loads of relatives everywhere.
Through the chaos Ace and I do a bit of half hearted measuring, then Ace takes Tea to play out side, when she returns she says, 'it's lovley mum'.
And it does seem all quite lovley. I sit drinking tea with Sofia, she says the kitchen and bathroom have just been treated for damp and redecorated only last week. (This still worries me.)
I also notice paint covers the outside of the living room window, as if someone has thrown a paintbomb at it, she excuses it with carnival...
Anyway, I sign the forms.
And this morning I post them recorded delivery, and feel reasonable happy with my decision all day.
So then I'm sitting in bed reading stories to Tea and I cant quite concentrate on the story because just before I started reading Tea asks when we're going to the park again, we haven't been all week, I've been so busy, and my mind starts to wonder what we will do without any parks close at hand, we're so lucky living here nestled between three parks and there are non close by to the new flat...
The phone rings, and unusually Ace brings it in to me, its Jamie Shitta, my housing officer finally phoning back (I'd been trying to reach him all day) and he gos through all the cons of moving; how the council wont do any repairs for a year after the swap, how the nieghbours could be from hell, the same points as my Nan actually, 'I just want to be on the ground ' I say 'So I can keep an eye on my kids while they play', and he says, 'but you've got that beautiful park right next door to you...and before long I'm in tears again, and for some reason I'm saying to him, I just dont want to leave this estate, I've been here for twenty years,...and I'm sobbing...and he's kind actually, but I'm just in a right old state once again.
And now I'm thinking, is this terrible doubt normal? Or am I about to make a serious mistake? I know I can't speak to Jay about it, because he just doesn't see it. I feel ill from it all really.Wish I knew what to do...
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I have agreed to swap.
After an agonising night, where Jay and I rowed because he wouldn't listen to any reasons I had for staying put, and I had a great many, I slept fitfully.It was only after Jay and Tea got up ,did I fall into a deep sleep and dream that I had accepted. I woke feeling calm. I guess my decision was made whilst I slept.
I still left it the whole day before phoning the tenant, waiting for some change of heart that didn't come. However, after speaking to her at 6, I felt a churning in my stomach for the amazing views I have here, the fantastic skys, St.Pauls cathedral, being connected to the street and my beloved city.
I feel as if I have agreed to go and live in a cave. The block is set back from the road, there is no passing traffic except for other tenants arriving and departing. So its a roller coster of emotions, plumeting from optimism to great sadness...
After an agonising night, where Jay and I rowed because he wouldn't listen to any reasons I had for staying put, and I had a great many, I slept fitfully.It was only after Jay and Tea got up ,did I fall into a deep sleep and dream that I had accepted. I woke feeling calm. I guess my decision was made whilst I slept.
I still left it the whole day before phoning the tenant, waiting for some change of heart that didn't come. However, after speaking to her at 6, I felt a churning in my stomach for the amazing views I have here, the fantastic skys, St.Pauls cathedral, being connected to the street and my beloved city.
I feel as if I have agreed to go and live in a cave. The block is set back from the road, there is no passing traffic except for other tenants arriving and departing. So its a roller coster of emotions, plumeting from optimism to great sadness...
