I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

2007-04-05T17:25:00.000Z

Apologies for not posting for such a while...
Lots been happening but too busy trying to revise to come here, plus BLogger have somehow made it infuriatingly complicated to sign in ....
So urm...I got burgled, which was pants, mainly because they came through the ceiling SAS stylee, and now I've a battle on my hands trying to get Lambeth council to fix it up to it's former glory.
It was unsettleing too, 'cos I always used to boast that we were invicible here, it would have to be Spiderman himself to get in this flat, but alas, this is so not true.
As the old squatters adage goes; there's always a way in...

After the burglary, and weirdly enough a gas leak that resulted in me having no cooking/heating for 2days, I thought feck it, I feel like an all night Squat party and happily Reclaim the Future event was on, and fate decided I should go somehow, because it was all so easy getting there and everything....
I was glad I did go because all the oldschool (with the exception of those now living out of London) were in attendence, and it was a proper gathering. Sadly though bad door management, despite the impressive sortedness of the buiilding, resulted in the party finishing very early. OK. So the cops did have a hand in it, getting all stupid outside, batons out, closing down the road for some hours...
I tried, and failed miserably, to advise on a sensible door policy. I found that all my powers had gone. And indeed those of my brethren.
Ah well, nobody knows us now...
I still proceeded to have a fun time chatting with all I encountered. It was a most friendly crowd. I couldn't help but feel bad afterwards though, that something bearing the "Reclaim" name, couldn't even manage to hold a proper squat party in a building these days...What hope for anything bolder, say outside or in the streets?

So now I'm busy revising for my LSBU science test in just two weeks time with my son, the walking text book. He tests me, but I know it has to be helping him, becuase he's revising for his GCSEs too, and it does bring us closer, which is really lovely.
Life is good, but for some stupid reason, I now ache to go to another squat party again soon.

2007-03-14T17:34:00.000Z

Arghhh!!!!!!!
my maths coursework is driving me crazy...or more honestly, giving me a permeating recurring headache, the like of which I haven't quite experienced before.
I asked my teenagers to help, as they'd both done similar (although slightly different), but was told that their teacher had told them exactly what to do, step by step. Oh,to be in high schoOl again....No such luck wiith my teacher, just the vaguest brief, and I'm left tearing my hair out.
Trays...fecking trays...

On a much happier note, it was Aces birthday yesterday. Hective let her have a party at his house and it was just perfect.
"It was a proper 'skins' party" agreed Ace and her mates...
I can still of course remember being that age myself, so it wasn't actually shocking, but at times a bit hair raising as Hective and I cleared up vomit, ejected local gatecrashers, confiscated obvious bottles of vodka, (being necked, without mixer) sent smokers out to the balcony, gave water to those who very much appeared to be pilling, phoned the parents of those young ones who couldn't quite cope...It heaving and it was full-on.
But I'm smiling as I think about it. I've never actually seen so much enthusiastic snogging in the one place, or had so many grateful teenagers bother to come up and thank me for being so cool...
Well I was able to be cool because it wasn't my house. Dayglo sticks were burst open and everywhere and everyone was splattered in dayglo paint, holes were knocked into the walls from the moshing, carpets and houseplants were as you'd imagine...
It was a nu-rave extavaganza, but the music and strobes were turned off on the stroke of eleven.
My most shiney, fabulous daughter was extremely happy and even thanked me in front of all her friends for being so nice, which you don't get every day as the parent of a teenager.

2007-03-09T13:32:00.000Z

well, my first exam in about 25 years went reasonably smoothly, I'm glad to report.
It was well weird though , the pre-exam nerves, no sleep, butterflies, sticky palms the lot, and of course what with it being Lambeth and all, the inevitable pre exam chaos with them not having enough tables and actually drilling the holes to fix up the clock 10mins after our exam was due to start...
It feels great to have it out of the way, like I've really broke the back of this maths. Of course it's algebra next module, so it's not exactly going to be plain sailing, but at least 40% is under my belt.

I think this has left a little space in my brain to start worrying how the feck am I going to manage financially next year. Things are not looking good. Yesterday I spent an hour on the phone to various government agencies, all with varying versions of 'you're gonna get nothing, you're on your own'
Arghhh!!! At one point I was told to phone some lone parent adviser, who actually siad they weren't able to give out advice, only information packs, some "adviser" eh?
Finally I followed the lead to the tax office, where I was told I might be able to claim tax credits for the kids... Lord knows how exactly this will work though...
Kind of scary times.

2007-03-04T19:42:00.000Z

Well tomorrow, I have the first of my GCSE maths exams.
Wish me luck!

2007-02-25T12:02:00.000Z

Hmmm...well went on the Stop the War march yesterday. Got very tired, didn't see many friends, got cross at the way the whole thing was orgainsed, felt frustrated...
But the samba band were shit hot...

2007-02-18T11:24:00.001Z

Friday night, I took Ace and her two mates out to see two of her new favourite bands, 'The Forty Fives' and the wonderfully named 'Bono must Die'.

2007-02-18T10:39:00.000Z

I enjoyed both bands, they had lots of energy. I liked the way both lead singers choose to wear their hoodies up. Seemed a good thing to me to identify themselves with, and from, the disaffected youth...The crowd were exuberant, and during 'Bono Must Die' a rather impressive stage invasion occurred which stopped the show for a few minutes, and I found myself quite endeared to the young crowd.

2007-02-08T19:08:00.000Z

My life is now full of maths, science and of course childcare and all that goes with that.
I'm revising for my first Maths exam in three weeks, whilst at the same time begining to discover the world of Chemistry.
Such a lot to learn. After reaching the end of the biology book, which I found so interesting and relevent, I paused for a week frozen in fear, before I could embark on Chemistry. Just one day at a time though, or rather one page at a time. I can't remember it all, I just have to hope some of it stays in. Constantly hope I am doing enough, whilst at the same time never doing enough, of anything...

2007-01-31T22:14:00.000Z

Muddy boots!!
There's one set of mates that I always come home from seeing, with muddy boots.
It has always been so, and I got a strong feeling after last weekend that it would always continue to be so...
And that makes me very happy.
I'm still smiling from the great weekend I spent in Hebdon. Everytime I catch sight of my muddy boots, I'm reminded of the incredible people I know and their connection with the land, not to mention their love of a good party...

2007-01-24T22:13:00.000Z

algebraaaaa!!!!!!
My brain can't cope with this lastest thing, indroduced at lightning speed last night, at class. I 'm worried I won't catch up. When the teacher asked who had studied it before, I was the only one not to raise my hand.
How I wish I'd actually bothered to go to school...
If it wasn't bad enough having to teach myself the entire GCSE Science syllabus for the wretched equivalence test, at some as yet unspecified date, I am now faced with having to get to grips with algebra, undoubtedly the hardest thing I have yet encountered.
My Vee just spent a whole hour going through stuff with me, but I'm not getting it very fast.

Hmmm. The bbc just issued a severe weather warning for throughout middle England, and I due to make a rare trip out of London to Yorkshire for Potzos' 40th birthday party on Friday.
I'll be glad to have a break from the relentless pressure of study, or guilt that I should be studying, but I'm wondering if I'm mad to go in this weather.

2007-01-19T18:50:00.000Z

Anyways fuck it.
And if you're coming here to read all about it, don't bother.
Any mention ever of *them* is now gone. I'll admit I was too hasty, and I'm thinking perhaps I ought to go over this blog with a fine toothcomb to seee if I've cause offence to anyone else with my occassional rants,...Or maybe I just should delete the bloody lot, I'm busy now after all, with things that are most uncontroversial.

2007-01-17T18:02:00.000Z

nothing to read here......

.

2007-01-05T16:31:00.000Z

Over the Christmas break, I finally came to the decision that I definately did not want to move. I've never been sure about it, and getting a place at LSBU just kind of sealed it for me, anyway I just rang Sophia to tell her, and now I feel a bit bad. She took it well, but I bet she's gutted, after me messing her about for so long.
I'm almost expecting her to ring back and give me an earful...
Don't even know why I've agonised over it so much, because there's not much about it that ever seemed to make sense beyond that balcony...
Jay was a huge factor, he was adament I should move and we had so many stupid rows about it, but winning my university place has also it seems, won me my freedom.
He just backed me up completely, to my amazment, and said that teaching would open many more doors for me, which of course is very true.
So I'm so sorry for mucking everyone around with my inability to make a decision, but I'm very happy to announce I shall be staying put in Brixton, for a good few more years yet.
As Ace and I walked to the market this morning, we said hello to so many people.
'Mum, you know everyone' she says...

2007-01-02T10:50:00.000Z

I've been crying on and off all morning because I just don't want Christmas to be over. Silly old woman that I am.
Vee reliably informs me that it's not yet twelfth night.
My family has played so many games together, laughed so loudly, feasted so happily, and I know I'll always have the memories, but as I try to recall other Christmas', they're all a blur. memories don't stick.
I know, I should just concentrate on being thankful, and I am so very.
There's so much love in my life. I know these are the best years.

2006-12-29T14:59:00.000Z

The best Christmas, ever.

2006-12-23T15:36:00.000Z

Sophia, the woman who wants to swap flats with me, just turned up at my door, wanting to borrow Jay and his van for a bit. When I saw her, my gut reaction was extraordinary, I just didn't want to see her, or talk about the move, or plan for it in anyway. I was suprised by the strength of my feelings actually. It seems as if getting into university has changed my opinion on moving, yet again, and I mean why should I move further away from the Elephant? What sense does that make? I guess thats what's been on my mind, that it's better to live as near to Uni as possible, so as to make life and complicated childcare arrangements that bit easier.
Yikes though, it has come as quite a shock.
Otherwise though, I've just spent a whooping £220 on the christmas food shopping, my kitchen is bursting, our beautiful tree has a great many presents around it, and all family members seem happy and contented.
Have a cool Yule everyone !

2006-12-20T07:53:00.000Z

The BBC Politics Show are running an online poll to find the greatest living political hero
and it was brought to my attention last night that Thatcher was currently in the lead, absolutely incredible though that is to believe...
Well, perhaps as a direct result of the good work of many at Urban 75 and my friends at The Void this situation has now turned around, and Tony Benn is currently the just leader.
I have met Tony Benn once as well, at a "Land is Ours " action, in Wandsworth way back in the nineties.
It was about 5.30am or something stupidly early on the very first day, and I staggered in bleary eyed and headed straight for the tea urn, and there he was. He actually reached out and shook my
hand, and introduced himself.
He's a top geezer.
Anyways, there's only about 1% in it, so, be sure not to let a travesty and that evil hag retake the lead.

2006-12-19T17:37:00.000Z

Yay!!!
I'm back!!!!
Was without internet connection for a week, and was bereft at frist, then kind of quickly got used to life without it. Feels like I haven't got time to do everything now...
Anyways, I was SUCCESSFUL!!! I have a conditional offer at London South Bank University for primary pgce.
I am both very excited, and deeply apprehensive.
Not only do I have to pass the Maths, but I have to study for and pass (obviously) a science equivalency test...It feels like a big mountain to climb, but I've got this feeling I'm going to be a most excellent teacher if I manage it.

2006-12-07T08:37:00.000Z

Awoke at 4am this morning, already replaying yestedays presentation back in my head. It was at least a minute too short. I wondered if it mattered, for a very long time.
I couldn't get back to sleep for thinking that I hadn't got in. There were far too many people in that room, for them to accept everyone. Perhaps they'd take half? Then I starts to wonder and wish I'd asked how many places they have on the course? And why oh why didn't I have any questions to ask btw?
If I had to choose half of my group, well, I might just scrap in, but then there's the written test to consider. I abslolutely know mine was just appauling.
I don't think I've got in.
Well I finally got back to sleep some time after 5.30, and when I woke the clock was mysteriously 1 hour and ten minutes fast, which was confusing, but fortunately it wasn't too late to get the kids to school. Weird though.
So now I feel very tired, and a bit down really. There's always a tiny bit of hope of course, but overall I think my chances are slim, and I so wish I had done better for myself.

2006-12-06T14:59:00.000Z

..Ok well I'm back.
And I feel just rinsed out.
I can't even write really. I keep replaying the thing back in my mind.
Firstly the written test. Well, my mind went into siezure for at least 10 minutes. I experienced the weirdest sensation of reading the article given, but the words not going into my head. I had to keep reading, but still my mind was screeching OMFG a critical assesment of the piece!
So I get's something embarrasingly inarticulate down on the paper, and before I knew it the time was up.
Our names were then called out and we moved to another room to give the presentation, for some reason, I found myself going last.
Some where along the way, proberbly between the awesomely brilliant presentation about the life cycle of a seed, and the rather dull one about magnets (I couldn't believe it magnets were central to my presenation) nerves crept in and got a grip of me. As I tried repeatedly to blu-tak the posters I'd brought, to the resolutely unsticky white board, I kind of knew things didn't bode well.
I guess it wasn't too bad, but it certainly wasn't slick. I left out an important part, and I think I finished way too early, and I certainly messed up the whole magnet thing.
Arrgghhh.
Then finally came the group interview, which I came out of thinking it had gone quite well, but as bits of it come to mind I start to wonder, was I considerate to others? Did I show good listening skillls? Did I say anything at all to make me stand out from the others?
I just don't know.
I did look very smart though, for what that's worth, I haven't look as dandy since the late eighties.
I'll be amazed if I get a place. Amazed but very delighted.

2006-12-06T08:17:00.000Z

Should be reading my notes, rather than blogging...
But it's a funny old feeling, just minutes to go before leaving for my interview.
I just found myself singing the Prodigys' Poison, "I got the poison, I got the remedy, I got the perfectly rhythmical remedy..the pressure.. the pressure..."
Anyways, kind of love this feeling, right before something important is about to happen. Takes me right back to more glorious times.
xx to anyone reading this. One love.

2006-12-04T22:52:00.000Z

I am temporarily, and ok. admitedly a bit drunkenly very happy, because my lovley and beloved old mate Maz, of Lush designs just sat and listened to my presentation, and said it was very good.
I now feel a kind of confidence, that I knew was inside me, but haven't been able to access for some time.
As I travelled to her house on the bus this evening, I felt a tear in my eye as I thought about the me that I was saying goodbye to.
Nonsense, said Maz, you can still be a raver and a teacher, but I'm not sure if I think that's true.
And anyways, I might yet be rejected, and I'll be able to carry on as I've ever been.

Maz is a most wonderful friend though, and I am so thankful she continues to be my friend.

2006-12-01T21:55:00.000Z

Feeling really odd this evening.
After a week of doing little else but trying to prepare for the pgce interview, I just feel very tired and infuriatingly unprepared still.
Vee had the afternoon off school, and sat patiently whilst I practised my presentation again and again. He's such a patient and kind boy. The practise exposed just how unfinished the thing is. Everything goes quite well for the first three minutes, but the last two are a mess. And my delivery seems to get worse each time.
Before I knew it, things were kicking off, dinner had to be cooked, my little one needed some attention, then baths, bedtime, and now it's late and I feel too tired to return to the thing tonight...
I still feel woefully unprepared to answer the question I now know they're going to ask me about the equality and diversity mission statment. However many time I read the thing, I can't seem get my head it, or what I would possibly say about it a group situation, and this could well be the key to securing myself a place..
So I just feel a bit down about it all. And at a loss to know what I can do in these last few days to improve my chances.

2006-11-29T21:38:00.000Z

Spent the morning in Comber Grove Primary school observing. I loved it there. Such a brilliant school. The head wrote on the comment slipthat it was a pleasure to meet me..
This time next week it'll all be over.

2006-11-25T09:39:00.000Z

I am absolutely frozen in fear.
OK. So I recieved an interview from USB. Which I should
have been so pleased about but, and it's such a massive BUT, the interview is two hours long, involves a written examination, group and individual interviews, and worst of all (I think) I am required to give a five minute presentation, as if to a primary school class, demonstrating my enthusism and communication skills.
Well I spent all last night feeling physically sick. I kid you not. In the pit of my stomach, panic.
Complete inability to imagine myself coming through this successfully.

Also in the informaction/terror pack, I was sent the news that a recent government directive means that instead of just needing Maths and English, as of yesterday or something, I am now required to have GCSE Science.
I rang the college immediately, and they said to proceed with the interview, but if I am successful, I will have to study for an equivalence test.
Depressing though that is, I can't be worrying about it now, because of the epic nature of the actual interview.
I'm also expected to spend a day in school before hand, and need to get a form signed by the head teacher, with comments, although this seems easy compared to the rest.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
And have I mentioned the interview is in ten short days. I simply don't know how I'm going to make it.

2006-11-09T20:48:00.001Z

Well I've done it! I've finally completed the form and sent it off. I can't change anything on it now, so in a way, I am free of it. A strange stinging bubble thing has erupted on the corner of my lips, and I feel totally drained.
Weird timing, but the woman who wants to swap flats with me phoned yesterday, followed by a call from her housing officer this afternoon. It appears I willl have to move before Christmas. I was hoping it would be delayed until the new year, or perhaps even forever, but for sure I have been over this many times now and always decided to go for it, reluctantly, and after much agonising.
So with not a single day off to be worry free, I must now turn my thoughts to moving flats. The practicalities of which seem mindboggling. I'm a long way off the old squatting days when I'd move every three months, and just pop my belongings into one box and two binbags and struggle down to the communal van with my futon mattress.
Nowdays it's going to have to be like some military manouver or something. This place is jammed with stuff, and there's the three flights. Getting out of here'll be hard. Then there's all the letter writing, and bill changing, official crap, that I could well do without. I really hope it's all worth it.

2006-11-08T16:52:00.000Z

Things haven't been uneventful.
But I've just been too busy lurching between hope and despair trying to fill in the bloody PGCE application.
I'm sure I remember a time when writing came easily to me. Not now though, and I can't bear for them to reject me, but I can't seem to find the words to sell myself.
I'm feeling negative anyway because I photographed Rachel and Magdas' civil partnership on Saturday. They kept refering to me as the 'principle photographer', and there I was with my tiny new fuji...I should have borrowed Hectives' DSLR. I thought about it even, but didn't. I took about 600 shots, and they're about 12 really good ones. (if that) So I'm a bit gutted, because even after all these years, I still have the same problems, I just don't seem to improve at photography. I make the same mistakes over and over.
Now I'm trying to make up a load of stuff about pretend workshops I have organised...It's all bollocks, and I can't seem to make progress, and Friday is the day I have send it off. Even when I'm feeling more positiive, one glance at the relevant work experience section, will soon darken my mood, and don't even get me started on the education bit...
I mean, even if I somehow pulled off a brilliant personal statement, I've still got no A levels, and a silly degree.
I'll be glad when it's sent though, because either way what is done shall be done, and at least I can stop thinking about it.
I don't want to fail at everything though.

2006-10-23T14:17:00.000Z

Had an interesting afternoon at the bookfair on Saturday. Saw so many old friends and comrades. The place was absolutely heaving, and I couldn't help but wonder why the movement is in such a sorry state when there are so many good people about...
The only things I bought was a copy of Class War, mainly because I wanted the very funny dartboard that was in the centre spread, some stickers that said things like 'There is no God' & 'Religion:dont buy this shit' and a rather dear booklet, 'When the G8 came to my town' which made me laugh when I'd skimmed through it.
I also was handed various fliers and stuff...the most readable and interesting of which was 'Resistance' the Anarchist Federation bulletin, which had a suprisingly enthusiastic and sympathetic write-up on Climate Camp and the Drax action. Read it online here
Then I made my way to the pub, not really expecting to find anyone in there I knew, but of course, the reality was very different, and spent a few happy hours hanging out with the old crowd.
I've been feeling a little weird since, not least because I was actually thrown out of the Peoples' Republic of Disco on the way home, I didn't think I was drunk at all, so it perplexed me, but more because it always does my head in to hang out with a bunch activists for some reason..
Perhaps I really was, just too drunk...

2006-10-19T08:47:00.000Z

So yesterday Tea and I take the train to Tulse Hill and spend an hour or so walking around West Norwood, calling in at the splendid library which, as I said to the Librarian, is definately the hightlight of of the area.
He smiled and said dryly, "Well, there's also the cemetery..."
Walking past said cemetery it was impossible not to notice the plume of pale grey smoke eminating from its' center. Hmm...dead people burning...
A group of black clad mourners stand by the massive gates, awaiting the arrival of the next coffin
Many of the little shops around exist to support this industy and sell carved stone things...
Futher down the hill, inside the Norwood Conservative Assosiation shop front it looks full of blue rinsed activity.
The giant B&Q stands incongruously on the high street, no doubt attracting even more traffic to this major artery.
Yet there are hardly any high street names save for Woolies, Iceland and the ubiquitous Somerfield.
There's a feeling about the place that time has stood still, from the archaic independent dress shops, which I cannot imagine who would ever venture inside, to the good old fashioned honest Co-op, that makes the place feels almost like it's the 1970's, and there's definately something quirky about it that I kind of began to like...
Perhaps I could imagine myself living there

2006-10-17T21:58:00.000Z

Well this bloody moving business has just brought yet another massive bust up in this house. And it's been so long since we fell out I really thought we'd cracked it.
But I managed to say something that offended, and before I know what's happened, he's swearing and storming out, driving the van after drinking a whole bottle of wine whilst I was at my evening class, and I'm left here with my indecisiveness...

2006-10-17T16:30:00.000Z

This was my entry to the world's biggest blog: One day in history
I wrote it in such a hurry 'cos I'm running late for Maths, but thought I'd save it here quickly....

Today Lambeth council phoned me to ask if I really wanted to swap my council flat with the lady in West Norwood. I burst into tears after the phone call, because with all my heart I wish that the swap offered a better deal for me than it does.
I love the Brixton estate I live on, and do not want to leave the community I have become a part of over the last 15 years, and yet living on the third floor without a lift, or a balcony, with three children, has driven me to seek a swap. Unfortunately the only person willing to take on my flat, has a noisy flat, smaller than my own, in West Norwood, but at least it does have a tiny balcony, and I long so much to have somewhere to dry my washing, and grow a few plants (though they'd have to be shade loving because of course the balcony is north facing.
Anyway my dilemma will be over tommorow, because I have to make my final decision by then. My boyfriend wants me to go, and is pressuring me to do so, because he thinks it will be better for our small son, and me, I just don't know. I don't want to leave this central location, all the people I know on the street that make my day happy when they say hello...but I feel I must go because lord alone knows when, or if, I'll ever get another offer.

2006-10-14T14:02:00.000Z

I'm here with some time to myself, and I ought to be at least doing some maths, or more importantly, writing my personal statement for the teaching thing, and my brain is hurting because try as I might, I cannot come up with a convincing, succinct reason why I would make a good teacher, or indeed why I want to be one in the first place, or what skills I have that would endorse this...
This is quite posssibly the hardest thing I've ever had to write. It's almost twenty years since I last applied for anything, well save for that spate of MA applications in the mid nineties at fancy art schools, which ultimately proved to be fruitless.
So I'm stuck. Good and proper..

2006-10-12T15:11:00.000Z

Well I was very good, and went to my maths class on my birthday, although I did skip off a bit early without finishing the ratio questions...
For some astonishing reason I seemed to have the best present haul ever, I mean I normally recieve a bar of soap and a tenner from my Nan, but this year Jay goes and buys me some new Magnum boots (as worn by the police) and many of my relations who in other years forget I even exist (like my dad) sent me eighty quid in total, so I threw caution to the wind and ordered my new camera...
After months of research and agonising, I finally decided on the Fuji finepix f30, mainly because I'd got sick and tired of waiting on the Samsung NV7, which I really wanted...
Well I would of waited, but Rachel and Magda have asked me to photograph their civil ceremony in November, and I had to have the new camera before that. I need time to practise, so I don't mess it up.
God I hate the responsibility of weddings...
Anyways, so I'm now so excited waiting for its' arrival next week, also I'm crosssing my fingers that it isn't delayed.

2006-10-10T08:36:00.000Z

I went along to the sack parliament action yesterday. Apparently it was lucky I arrived late because the poilce were extreamly heavy handed at the begining, arresting 38, over half of the people involved in the open planning/training meeting, and even hospitalising one journo...
Grim.
It was a low turnout, unsuprisingly considering the total lack of anarchist networks these days, and police outnumbered protesters by a stupid number, but still I thought it good that at least something was being done, and that this session of parliament wasn't allowed to open without at least some dissent.

2006-10-04T10:04:00.000Z

It's odd, but I seem to be actually enjoying my maths class...
Not least for all the new people I'm meeting.
I guess above all things, I am a people person..
Anyways, I was chatting to this sweet young girl from Stockwell called kim, who whilst studying business at Westminster is re-doing her maths to improve on the D she got last time so that she'll be able to get a good job, "inputting data", and she says to me,
"Uni must of been well wicked back in your day..." Which of course is true, getting a full grant and fees pays was indeed a wonderful thing that should never have been done away with, but somehow it made me smile to have a deadpan conversation about 'back in my day'

2006-09-26T12:23:00.000Z

I had a lovley time at the Stokefest in Clissold park last Sunday, surrounded by excellent music and some lovely old friends...
Found it difficult to move from the Sunday Revelator stage, which was consistantly brilliant all day, serving up rockabilly/punk/surf/rockin' sounds, One great band after another; Blood Safari, The Rosinators, the Fabulous Penetrators, Bikini Beach band, and loads more, which mean't I missed loads of other stuff going on, and chatting to many of my old squat party mates who were all hanging around the Bassline circus tent, which I found just too heavy, serious, and downbeat a vibe for me, for some reason....maybe it's my great age or something, but the energetic and exciting sounds resonating from revelator were much more my cup of tea...They were uplifting. Whoever Charlie Hangdog is, he can sure put on a good show, and I'd love to meet him.
Plus I have always loved a good quiff, and there were plenty of fine dandies on display. It's always easy to wish retrospectively that I hadn't been so drunk in charge of a camera, but there you go...
Ah well, the last festival of the season, and the sun shone all day. It's a damn shame to have to wait till next June until I can get drunk listening to great music in a field again...

2006-09-20T16:36:00.000Z

Well, Maths (wonderful maths!) wasn't so bad last night. I knew about decimals, thanks to the modern pound and all...
So uplifted was I, that I recommenced the terrifying business of trying to work out how and where ,to apply for the pgce...
So far there's a prospectus coming, and I've registered with GTTR. The whole thing is as I say, terrifying, and even in moments when I think I'll be able to blag my way through the application form, the horror of the interview (should I be lucky enough to get one) dawns on me...I mean how am I gonna sound these days...competent in anything much?

2006-09-17T14:47:00.000Z

A good family day was had out yesterday at the Thames festival. Good old Ken, I say, I think this was a great thing for Londoners, a fun day out with a real festival vibe. Anyway, first we met up with some Urban 75ers at Pronghorn, which was very nice. Ace wore her shades and just practised being cool. I tried to thank Big G in person for sending me back my phone from Endorse-it, but it turns out he wasn't playing, but another band member ensured he'd pass my message on.
Then we strolled along the Thames which was a bit hectic actually, heavy duty with the buggy because everywhere was so crowded, but we managed to catch the Splott Brothers who were funny, the kids loved 'em, and variously entertainment ending up at sunset in the excellent playground next to the London eye.

2006-09-17T14:31:00.000Z

How bad were my photos? Truely bloody awful.
I'd gone to the Thames festival actually thinking I might take a photo suitable for entry to the mayors comp. but brought home the worst set ever. Now I know a very big problem is the enormous time lapse between actually pressing the button and the photo being taken, and I had had a couple of beers...but really, this was abysmal.
I think I just get worse with time.

Ace, who is fast becoming the best photgrapher in the house took this lovley family shot.

2006-09-13T09:38:00.000Z

It's been that long since I posted up some pictures, I forgotten how to the thing works properly...
Anyway, here's some of the Vauxhall Tribes event I went to with Ace on Saturday. (Don't even think about the car connection,, it was local and free, plus the cars they had on display were so ridiculously uncool, as to be counterproductive to their PR aims. I said they should of raffled one, and that would have made the evening really fun!)

Ace was the perfect companion, even though it wasn't really her cup of tea. She had her mp3 player and did try to listen to her own music for while, but then it got too loud. The uk scratch champions were just too difficult, but the dancing was really exciting and we stood right at the front of the stage. One troup had danced with Madonna and Gwen Steffani, and another was made up of of an age range between about 7 and 20, sweet. But the act Ace liked the best though, were the human beatboxes; Beardy man, who I'd already seen at Urban75 offline do, and two others who were just awesome. All in all a nice night out with my daughter, but my ears are still hurting three days later

2006-09-13T07:04:00.000Z

This blogger thing is forcing my hand. Why oh why has my side bar relocated at the bottom of the page??? Grrr...Two days I've been trying to sort this, and nothing seems to work. It's just a wind up, and one that I could do without...

So last night my attempt to gain one of life's most basic academic qualifications began...
I felt an overwhelming lack of enthusiasm I must say, athough didn't expect to find it so hard on the very first lesson. It seems finding the square root of numbers is too much for my brain to grasp, and I think the teacher is already frustrated with me. The room is airless and crammed, and I was sweating profusely by the end, I must try and be more fragrant, so's at least I can raise my hand without paranoia...
The only good thing about all this, is that Vee and Ace were brilliant when I got home, and explained square roots much better than the teacher had managed, so...well you never know.

2006-08-26T22:21:00.000Z

Well, I'm not at Climatecamp. I wish I was. I left it too late to organise really...Spent all my money in Dorset, (which I haven't even begun to say how brilliant it was) didn't have a lift up there, couldn't afford the train fare, not even sure if I wanted to go by train with the kids and all the tat.
So then I thought I might hire a car, but that would have cost a fortune as well....
Anyways, I'm not there but kind of wish I were. It feels funny to be out of it all.
I'm still looking after the forum for them though, but I noticed today they have removed it from the front page menu. Couldn't have made it more difficult to find...and I felt sad about that, despite having had quite a hectic few days beating the trolls.

2006-08-24T21:18:00.000Z

Think I'm gonna move this blog to wordpress. Looks a bit more modern. Need a new feeling... Change is on its' way.

2006-08-10T14:11:00.000Z

Hearing about all the terrorist threats today has only increased my anxieties. I am never completely at peace whilst Vee and Ace are the other side of the world, but to hear about inbound flight delays and cancellations, my slight unease, has now raised to a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach...
And I was all excited about going to the Endorsit festival, I'd almost managed to put my housing dilemma to one side...but Reddread just texted to say she's not going to make it, and I've not packed a thing.
I'm worried I'll be too busy worrying.

2006-08-06T19:48:00.000Z

Vee and Ace fly to Japan tomorrow morning.
They've already left me though, and are at their dads, full of anticipation. I bought them each a disposable camera, to make a kind of diary for us back home...
I keep thinking...what a very, very long way away Japan is.

2006-08-03T21:19:00.000Z

So yesterday, I said I'd go to Sophias' house (the west Norwood lady with the flat on the ground floor).
I'd had a terrible night, agonising, then phoned Nan just before I left the house thinking somehow she'd be really pleased with my news. It seems stupid now, but I was shocked with her response. She was adamant that the woman must be giving up the flat for some reason, there must be rats, mice, ants, cockroaches, damp, nutty neighbours, or some other explanation to why the woman was willing to swap with me. She went on at great length, about what I was giving up....basically, better the devil you know philosophy. So I put the phone down in tears.
I then rang Jay, another mistake, because really soon he's telling me to f*ck off, because he doesn't want to hear my doubts. (He's never any good in a crisis, don't know how I could forget.)
(Anyways, so Ace, Tea and me journey to West Norwood, and it's a sunny morning, and the estate looks better than I remember. Sophia lets us in, and the flat is full, and I mean full of council workmen, there's one painting the window frames in the living room, at least two in the kitchen banging something and another two, electricians this time, in the hall, plus loads of relatives everywhere.
Through the chaos Ace and I do a bit of half hearted measuring, then Ace takes Tea to play out side, when she returns she says, 'it's lovley mum'.
And it does seem all quite lovley. I sit drinking tea with Sofia, she says the kitchen and bathroom have just been treated for damp and redecorated only last week. (This still worries me.)
I also notice paint covers the outside of the living room window, as if someone has thrown a paintbomb at it, she excuses it with carnival...
Anyway, I sign the forms.
And this morning I post them recorded delivery, and feel reasonable happy with my decision all day.
So then I'm sitting in bed reading stories to Tea and I cant quite concentrate on the story because just before I started reading Tea asks when we're going to the park again, we haven't been all week, I've been so busy, and my mind starts to wonder what we will do without any parks close at hand, we're so lucky living here nestled between three parks and there are non close by to the new flat...
The phone rings, and unusually Ace brings it in to me, its Jamie Shitta, my housing officer finally phoning back (I'd been trying to reach him all day) and he gos through all the cons of moving; how the council wont do any repairs for a year after the swap, how the nieghbours could be from hell, the same points as my Nan actually, 'I just want to be on the ground ' I say 'So I can keep an eye on my kids while they play', and he says, 'but you've got that beautiful park right next door to you...and before long I'm in tears again, and for some reason I'm saying to him, I just dont want to leave this estate, I've been here for twenty years,...and I'm sobbing...and he's kind actually, but I'm just in a right old state once again.
And now I'm thinking, is this terrible doubt normal? Or am I about to make a serious mistake? I know I can't speak to Jay about it, because he just doesn't see it. I feel ill from it all really.Wish I knew what to do...

2006-08-01T20:23:00.000Z

I have agreed to swap.
After an agonising night, where Jay and I rowed because he wouldn't listen to any reasons I had for staying put, and I had a great many, I slept fitfully.It was only after Jay and Tea got up ,did I fall into a deep sleep and dream that I had accepted. I woke feeling calm. I guess my decision was made whilst I slept.
I still left it the whole day before phoning the tenant, waiting for some change of heart that didn't come. However, after speaking to her at 6, I felt a churning in my stomach for the amazing views I have here, the fantastic skys, St.Pauls cathedral, being connected to the street and my beloved city.
I feel as if I have agreed to go and live in a cave. The block is set back from the road, there is no passing traffic except for other tenants arriving and departing. So its a roller coster of emotions, plumeting from optimism to great sadness...

2006-07-31T20:34:00.000Z

Well now Im faced with a dilemma..
Do I give up on the pleasures of Brixton and move to down troden West Norwood all for the (slightly dubious) benefit of a ground floor and balcony to dry my washing, or grow the odd plant??? The estate itself is a bit dismal. I'd be vunerable to burglars, the kitchen's smaller, you need a parking permit to park, I'd be in fecking norwood ffs, and the shops are poor, there's few amenities and no parks that I can see...it's outside the south circular andI'd have an 0181 phone number, I'd be loosing my view of Londons' skyline, no more watching Kens' Newyear fireworks from the kitchen window, there's less light, a lot less....
And yet I came back here expecting to be overwhelmed with a sense of love for this place, and despite it still looking all spick and span from the weekend, I still didn't feel anyoverwhelming attatchment to the actual flat. It's the area I love. The whole annoying stupid estate. I love it. And people know me here, I feel like I belong...I'd miss Myatts field and Minet road library...

2006-07-31T12:27:00.000Z

Well I cleaned, she came, she said she liked it, and then that she would call me back this morning.
It's 1.30 now. Could it still be morning, I wonder?

2006-07-29T19:49:00.000Z

I am quite beside myself.
The phone rang earlier and it was someone from the Homeswap scheme, the one that I have absolutely NO faith in, and I straightaway did my standard spiel, about my flat being top floor, no lift or balcony, fully expecting the conversation to then be over pretty quickly, as usual, and to my complete amazement they are still interested and are coming to view that flat tomorrow!
And her flat is ground floor, with communal gardens!!!
OMG! My mind starts to race. I can't stop it. This could be my lucky break, says Jay. This could be my turn. For a while I'm totally falling into it. How close Ace would be to all her school mates, the whole living without stairs thing...and then my eyes turn to this flat. The bare plaster walls in the bedroom I soon decide is the least of my problems, in every room there is decoration despair. Missing cupboard doors in the kitchen, curtains not quite hanging properly on poles, walls desperate for a lick of paint, stuff, just stuff, everywhere clogging up all the corners and cupboards...
I discover the wash basket crammed full of Jays dirty washing which he has thoughtfully brought around for me to do, but not told me about and it smells, and I cant actually do any washing because if I do, it'll have to hang around the house (like it does) and well, not having anywhere to dry your washing would be off putting wouldn't it? I must create the illusion of a beautiful clean, easy to live in penthouse luxury flat by midday tommorow.
Argh....the madness has set in, and deep down I know the chances of anyone swapping ground floor for up here, are remote, but as much as I keep reminding myself, I've been given a grain of hope.

2006-07-24T07:18:00.000Z

The irony of the whole situation is, I really really want to go to the Big Green Gathering. Reddread wants me to work a night in ClimateCamps' 'Last chance Saloon' tent, which would be so much fun and just like the good old days...
The logistics of taking several children camping in some remote field with patchy transport links, all by myself, is quite difficult to say the least, carrying the sheer amount of stuff etc...even without the added pressure of having to be back a day early so that Vee and Ace can go to Japan (can you believe it?) with their father.
Reddread said, I should just hire a car. Jay said I should just go on the insurance of his car...
And for a moment last night, just a moment like, I was seriously considering it.
Arghhhhh!!!!! why couldn't it just be, well, any other type of car????
I'm hacked off.

Of course I haven't been at all hacked off that hective got to go to the James Bond wrap party, oh no...well not so's it shows anyway...
It wasn't so very long ago that we shared the same dreams and aspirations, those heady days at film school where we met and fell in love...
and now he's smoozing with the stars and I'm well...here, worrying that my degree won't even secure me a place on a pgce, and trying to think of interesting ways to fill the gaping holes in my CV.

2006-07-03T06:31:00.000Z

Holy moly, I can hardly believe what's happened. Jays' parents request his presence this weekend, insisting that he come on the train because they have a suprize for him.
Well, we speculate. What can it be? He decides that as the only thing we really really want, that has to be driven, is a camper van, then perhaps, that is what will be...
I keep saying though, that no, this would be just to good to be true, why would anyone do something so brilliant for us? Nothing that good ever happens.
Indeed. Saturday night I get a text..."It's like the footie babe, not what we hoped for"
But the football's fecking shit I say to myself, 'cos we're all still really down in the flat from the England defeat...What could be that shit?
So Jay returns yesterday with the 'suprise', and as we're walking down the road to see it, he's saying stuff like, 'I think you're gonna freak out...please don't freak out...it's not exactly...er...
And it's some sort of ridiculous, posturing, gas guzzling, planet busting 4x4, the type the most selfish twattish people of all drive.
Sell it. I say. You must sell it immediately.
Of course he says, it's not that simple , because he feels somehow oblidged to run it for a while, as his dad has even paid for the insurance, and apparently, it's not even worth that much...and it's all too awkward.
Well I'm not going in it, I say.

2006-06-15T08:49:00.000Z

Aghh....
I'm pre-menstral, and stressed out.
I'm taking the kids to Butlins tomorrow, and for some reason, I'm finding it hard to get it all together. My suitcase seems to have shrunk during the year it's been stuffed in the coal cupboard. Well, I certainly haven't got a shiney new wardrobe to take with me. I dont know...
Vee's a bit sad to be missing out on school, (can he be my child, I wonder) in particular a media studies trip to the Guardian which is actually a shame, and Ace is mightly pissed off to discover whe will have to sleep in bunk beds while away. Vee has even offered to share the nights out in the top bunk with her, but she still left in a mood this morning...
I'm all like, well you know you can stay with y0ur dad if you want...
Why can't I be rich????
Just once I'd of liked to take them somewhere a bit luxury. Butlins did phone and ask me if I'd like an upgrade earlier this week, but couldn't guarantee me a ground floor, which (I think) I've already managed to secure so, I turned it down.
And I'd better not even get started on the weather...

Hopefully I shall return next week refreshed.

2006-06-07T08:09:00.000Z

I've almost been scared off writing on this blog, since something I wrote a few months ago came back to haunt me.
I seem to have been getting in trouble a lot recently, mostly with Jay. He's always finding something to be angry with me about.
On a more postive and hopefully completely neutral note, my self portrait actually came third (!!!!) in the May
Urban 75 photo competion which I was totally chuffed about, because I really set myself the challenge of doing well with a recent picture, after winning with one that was ten years old. I wanted to see if I still had it in me.
However, it's never enough, and now I want more... because I actually still doubting myself.
This months theme is love, and I'm at a loss so far for an idea, and Im still harping on about only having 3million pixels....
We're off to Butlins soon, which will be fun.

2006-05-29T10:33:00.000Z

2006-05-22T15:07:00.000Z

I am very excited because I have just become a student (yet) again.
I enrolled today for the GCSE and was given an identity card and start date.
So, the ball is rolling...
I've been finding out about places to do the PGCE as well, and after initial concern that my degree (being non-curriculum) was the latest thing to prevent me from actually getting on a course, I was delighted to find that wasn't the case in all University/Colleges.
There's a very long way to go, but at least I have set myself on track.

I must now somehow, be more productive with the time I have left at home, and also be sure to really enjoy it. Working life will be very different, and I'm sure I'll look back at these days and wonder what on earth I used to do...

2006-05-18T15:14:00.000Z

2006-05-16T07:08:00.000Z

2006-05-12T07:32:00.000Z

Current luxury worry....
Why on earth, and what ever, made me choose self-portrait as a theme for the photo comp?
I've been taking photos like a nutter, which I have to say, is really good, but I certainly haven't found a potential winner yet.
A poor workperson always blame her tools, I know, but yesterday I was out at the park taking pictures of Tea and my shadows, and I was desperate for some degree of control. If I continue with this, I willl have to get a new camera. I'll have to try and squeeze it in after the holiday and before saving starts for Christmas....
I've entered this one (above), but I'm doubting the wisdom of it.

2006-05-09T20:18:00.000Z

The very next day was my Vees' 15th birthday.
Hective took us all out for dinner at yo shushi, but was a bit mean about it, kind of wincing every time someone took another plate off the conveyer belt. It didn't matter though, because Vee absolutely loved it. We all played a family game of Scrabble when we got home, which was quite a rare thing these days, and Vee won which seemed perfect.

2006-05-08T07:28:00.000Z

So it being a nice day and all, we decided to join the trade unionists, autonomous block and fit team on the Mayday march.
There was a pub at the meeting point and we enjoyed a pint whilst watching the masssive police cordon assemble around the black block.
There was a great little sound system, which packed some punch for a twelve volt, and pumped out tunes like Chemical Brothers' "push the button", and some Chris Liberator techno and a bit of gabba, which combined with the larger and general freindly atmosphere of the whole thing, got me quite excited.

I soon realised however, that this basically was an excercise in being photographed and logged by the forward intellegence team, (funny how you never forget an old face eh?) and the various and many other police photographers present, and as ever I began to wish I wasn't so damn tall, and the thick flourescent yellow line that flanked us either side started to get my goat, and before long we decided to chip off early and go home for a nice roast dinner...

2006-05-08T07:10:00.000Z

The wonderful month of May begins with the beautiful sight of cherry blossom on display outside my living room window.

2006-05-06T14:08:00.000Z

Was absolutely chuffed to bits to actually WIN!!!!!
the Urban75 April photo competition with this shot of the Reclaim the Streets party at Angel Islington in the summer of 2005. Hective reminded me that it was he who had brought the water key to switch that thing on in the first place, and how it was well appreciated in the baking hot sun...
I felt a tiny bit guilty entering a picture so old, but the competitions' theme was wet and that shot, one of my all time favourites, kept staring at me exuding wetness, so I put in in on the last day and it was a landslide victory.
It made me think about the days when I took it, fresh out of film school, I actually considered myself a photographer back then. I feel sad that I've virtually given up shooting stiuff on my SLR camera, and feel it was no accident that a picture taken the old fashioned way should be a winner for me, there simply isn't as much control with my little digital Sony...
The challenge for me now, is to win with a recent shot, then I will feel more justified...
As winner, I got to choose this months theme, and I went for self-portraiture, for some reason which is baffeling me now, because I cant bear to look at my self in photos now I'm getting old, and am reluctant to enter another archive shot.
Also some regulars really objected to my choice of theme, saying it was to close to what had gone before, and there was a bit of an argument about it, but enough people liked the idea, and the competition is going ahead...

2006-04-27T14:32:00.000Z

I'm desperate for a drink and it's only 3.30 in the afternoon. For the second time this week, I've waited in all afternoon for a gas engineer to come and look at my boiler, then tell me that my problem, no hot water at peak times (mornings/early evenings and all weekends) is due to water pressure and I would just "have to live with it"
WTF??? The man shows not one shred of empathy or sympathy for my dilema, just attempts a long rant about Thames water and their leaking pipes. Look, I'm still paying �6.05 a week water rates, and their responsibility ends on the ground floor...

Surely, there must be something someone can do about it. Well not these council subcontractors, thats for sure, this is the fourth time they've been and this time they sent the surly, and I mean really unnecessarily surly, supervisor.
So I'm phoning Lambeth, trying to speak to my illusive housing officer, but he's on leave (again) and I'm so upset the woman gives me the number for complaints dept, and I ring them.
Well, they take hardly any details at all, and tell me they will respond within 15 days.
I wonder how long I will have to put up with this, or if I really will have to live with it.
I feel exasperated. Being a Lambeth council tenant really sucks sometimes, I mean I've learnt to live up 42 stairs with no lift or balcony, heaving buggy, baby, heavy shopping up and down all these stairs , I take my kiddies to the park with the horrible fighting staffi dogs and their owners, who encourage the dogs to leap and gnaw all the bark from the trees and the rubber from the seats of the swings, and the resident pissheads (who are ok really) and I've learn't how to dry my washing in winter, though not in summer, but I really dont think I can stand living without hot water at the times I need it most...

2006-04-18T20:29:00.000Z

I've been moderating the forum at the ClimateCamp site for some weeks now. It's still almost dead, despite my attempts to liven things up and gradually change the slightly turgid structure of the forum which is currently based around topics actually discussed at meetings, at least I've managed to stop nearly all of the spamming for the time being...

I was rather taken with this installation at the Science Museum that we saw on Monday, seems to relate quite well to the inside of my head at the mo....

2006-04-14T18:42:00.000Z

2006-04-14T08:03:00.000Z

We went to visit "Nanny Windows" as she seems to be known now, my 95year old grandmother.
It's such an arduous train journey with three kids, but it's worth it to see her face light up when Tea talks to her for the first time ever really. He's suddenly become quite fluent.
Last night I felt so very sad though. Such impressive old age is really taking its toll. She can't straighten up now, when she gets up, and getting out of her chair itself is really hard. Her paper thin skin is reddish pink and really shiney, and she'd cut a huge hole out of her slipper to accomodate her ingrowing toenail, they stopped doing her feet on the NHS a couple of years ago apparently.
There is a tray on the fridge on which all her daily medications are somewhat chaotically placed.

She hobbles around valiently, but I noticed her being really unusually clumsy in the kitchen, worryingly so, as she makes the lunch. I try to help but she's having none of it.
She serves sausages, chips, peas cooked with a teaspoon of sugar, and strawberries and an enormous party sized gateux from Iceland for pudding, and the kids love it.
Everyone eats everything off their plates, which makes her very happy.

I managed to get the washing up done though, by saying I wouldn't leave until it was done. She let me, but insisted on drying them herself instead of sitting with the kids in the other room.
She used to pride herself on her housekeepeing, in fact judge other women by it mercilessly, but I noticed how dirty all her cupboards were, and I wanted to empty them and wash them out for her, but this idea outraged her, she's so fiercely independent.

She still had plenty of energy to give me her views on why the country had gone to the dogs, and delivered a lengthy monologue on immigration...
As we left I hugged her tightly, and she me.
I breathed in deeply her scent, and for a moment was transported right back to my childhood, she still smelled the same. My nan, my carer, my love.

2006-04-06T08:40:00.000Z

Yesterday I had to sit in a room full of teenagers and take a 5 page maths entry 'assesment' or TEST as they should have called it, to see if I can take the GCSE maths at Lambeth college. Well the first two pages were fine, but half way through the alloted forty minutes, just as I was begining to get horribly stuck, one by one the youngsters began leaving. Smiling, Yes, they had double checked everything, they chirpily replied to the examiners. I was mortified. My eyes stung, holding back the hot tears of humiliation, as soon I simply wasn't even able to continue. It might as well have been rocket science.
Before leaving, I had to show them my pile of useless, mainly media related, exam certificates, the only thing giving reason for them to comment was the grade 4 CSE maths taken back in 1981. 'Not very good....' he said.
My cheeks were burning.
I left thinking I'd proberbly not even be accepted on the course. Something I'd previously not even considered.
I walked all the way home from Clapham in the spring sunshine, my head spinning with what a fuck-up my life is.

2006-04-04T15:12:00.000Z

Eureka!! I have finally worked out how to use the scaner that has been sitting in my living room for over a year now.
I did the test with this rather ghostly self portrait that I've had blue-tacked to my wall for far too long, but there's something about it I like. Perhaps it's just the amount of jewelery I'm wearing. Something I'd never do now for some reason.
Focus certainly never bothered me.

Anyways this fantastic scanner development means I can begin to make further progress on the book that Red Dread and I are thinking about writing. Well I say book, more likely to end up on the web I guess. We have this plan to try and document the two crazy years that we lived together squatting constantly, using the diaries and photographs that we both were doing rather obsessively at the time. I don't know if anything will come of it, mainly because most of my diaries are filled with personal turmoil rather than exciting descriptions of adventure, which I tend to skirt over most infuriatingly.
Anyways, I've also decided to make a concerted effort to try and read more, because that might help me write better, so that I can fill in the missing bits etc.
Hmmm...So much to do on that front...

2006-04-02T11:45:00.000Z

Hmm...Chicken pox.
Yesterday Tea starts coming out in a few red spots. This morning they are rampant, and quite nasty looking bulbous liquid filled blisters.
He's taking it well though, apart from the medicine that is.
His dad and I have had terrible trouble persuading him to let any of the minty anti-inflamortary stuff pass his lips. All incentives to get him to swallow just a spoonful fail, miserably.
So we bought a special syringe for the job, but this still involved a certain amount of pining him down, frantic squirting, followed by the whole lot being quickly and efficiently spat out. Well traumatic. But what can you do?
Poor little thing. Stubborn little thing. I hope this will be the worst day...

2006-03-27T11:40:00.000Z

Last night my baby father excitedly insists on us watching 'Requiem for a Dream', and although it was compelling enough to keep me awake till such a late hour, his total enthusiasm for such a bleak depressing film has left me troubled.
He knew every scene inside out, obviously had watched it many times, he kept a constant commentary going all the way through on what exactly was happening at all times, less annoying for me than it sounds because it was a relief from the dire downward spiral of the story.
I guess Im wishing he wasn't so utterly fascinated by such dark and destructive matter, but he is. Deeply.
He clung to me tightly last night.

Anyways earlier on mothers day, my other baby father Hective, sent Vee and Ace around with the news that he and Hanna are expecting their first baby in October. The Children were most unsettled, but I tried to assure them everything would be alright, and that it definately didn't mean that their father would love them any less...
So things are yet again shifting within the family, Hective moves even further away from us, and I have to be even stronger for my two teenagers and make sure that nothing throws them off course.

2006-03-19T19:26:00.000Z

By the way, I dont know quite when I turned into her.
<--

2006-03-19T14:47:00.000Z

2006-03-13T20:38:00.000Z

Ace is 13 on the 13th.
She is splendid, and beautiful and so clever and amazing, and more than I ever could have expected...or dared hope for. Here's a picture of her taken on our estate.

2006-03-08T16:19:00.000Z

I was shocked and slightly horrified to see what has been done to St.Agnes place. Brutally, yet not completely demolished, houses still stand either end.
One is even still occupied, but must be unstable surely, with its adjoining neighbour pulled down completely. The other end have been gutted. Windows pulled out, just shells really. A sad sight indeed.

2006-03-08T15:46:00.000Z

2006-03-08T15:34:00.000Z

I just had to write. Things have taken a step turn upwards. It feels as though there is a quickening in the air (not sure if that's a real expression or not)
Anyway, these are suddenly quite exciting times. I have one or two interesting projects on the go and it feels fantastic. Links with the past are re-forming, and it would appear that the time spent in between for me, has not been wasted. All this internet stuff, well perhaps it has been for a purpose...Suddenly, my advise is sought and of course, I find it thrilling to be useful.
On a much more practical note, I have enrolled for my GCSE maths, so thats a tiny step towards progress, and my social life has picked up. All in all I feel positive and optimistic for the comming year.

2006-01-08T21:06:00.000Z

Several months of relative calm hapiness has been disrupted yet again by heroin.
I should never have asked. Now abruptly, mistrust and lies and fear overwhelm us, and it's so difficult to find a way through it.

2006-01-03T00:03:00.000Z

Two minutes past midnight, and I cant sleep. Been in bed an hour already, but sweating, then freezing, then hungry. Twisting my body into uncomfortable shapes. So much racing through my mind...
I've been crying a lot today, I havent for ages, but today I just felt so sad about time passing so quickly, another christmas over, my babies getting so big...No real reason, just a desperate underlying sadness, about things that I absolutely cannot change. Things never stand still. I cannot slow down time.

I was/am considering finishing with this blog, as I'm not sure what the point of it is really. An aquaintance left a comment before christmas that really made me think that I am being treating this too much like a diary, not giving enough thought to who might one day read this. What a curious thing, to be so honest with perhaps everyone?
I thought I'd try going back and edit some stuff, but I'm not sure I could bear to, or be bothered, or find enough time...

Ooh, and I've given up smoking, yet again, but this time it's serious.

2005-12-21T14:24:00.000Z

HAPPY SOLSICE!!!!

2005-12-14T14:13:00.000Z

Oh my gosh, this machine just caught a virus, and I'm so hoping I have managed to get rid of it. Not sure yet....

2005-12-06T14:32:00.000Z

The cherry tree outside still has its leaves. What a great tree this is, so much pleasure all year round. I think, should the day ever come when I have a garden, I will plant as many cherry trees as possible.

2005-12-05T14:48:00.000Z

So the exhibition had to come down on Sunday. I tried to keep it up, but in the end decided to do the right thing, and change it for the second week. The trouble was I was monumentally distracted by the events at St Agnes place, and by some wierd twist of fate brought along to that eviction a camera with flat batteries. I took the battery out of the camera and tried to warm it in my bra, and managed to get two shots befor it died for good. Then so wierdly, on that day, a photograph of me and Tea was on the front page of the London Evening Standard.. Wierd photographic co-incidences. So there were no images for me of the things I had seen close up, just my own image everywhere. Jay thought I'd should frame that and hang it up in my space.

I ended up hanging what I had on St.Agnes, and 4 collages from the past. I had some really interesting comments in my coment book that have really made me think, and it was well worth doing for these alone. I'm not sure what this week will bring though. If anything.

2005-11-29T23:17:00.000Z

2005-11-29T23:15:00.000Z

2005-11-29T23:13:00.000Z

2005-11-29T23:12:00.000Z

2005-11-29T23:10:00.000Z

2005-11-28T16:27:00.000Z

Well it's up! I meant to take some photos of my space in the Brixton Art Co-op today to post here, but completely forgot whilst I was there. I will soon.
I'm pleased though. Relieved, and pleased, and strangely relaxed about the whole thing, it has actually been a joy. The whole experience has been really good for me.

2005-11-22T14:33:00.000Z

Just as I was begining to find some sort of hope amongst the chaos that is my livingroom wall, I am temporarily thwarted by the printer. My attempt at at money saving has backfired, the printer knows I have tried to fob it off with non-branded if 'compatible' merchandise and is not having any of it. grrr.
In fact, it's been one of those days for this morning I had an appointment at the surgery to have yet another smear test. 6months past so quickly, and so I see's the nurse, and she says to me, 'Did you tell the reception it was for a smear test?, only I'm not trained.' Grrr..
So I had to make another appointment, and of course thats got to be in a weeks time.

Bloody test. Always in the background.

2005-11-18T10:23:00.000Z

For some ridiculous reason, I put my name down in the book of the newly squatted Brixton Arts centre, to have a bit of wall space. Well, they phoned two days ago to say my turn had come.
Why? why? Why have I unleashed such inner torment upon myself?

I've searched the house for images, covered the walls with dodgy snapshots of squatted spaces, realised after all these years, that they're all crap, useless.
Well, perhaps not useless for reminding me of stuff, but as for showing them to other people...in an arts setting...
I feel ashamed for all those years I actually called myself a photographer.

I wonder if I've done myself a disservice by excluding all the protest and festival pictures. They're all much brighter and up lifting, and perhaps better, although I suspect, if they were on the wall right now, I'd be just as dissatisfied.
I've got to put something up, if only to save myself from utter dispair, and private humiliation, but what?
All I've done so far is thoroughly untidied the flat and depressed my fragile sense of well being.

2005-11-14T18:55:00.000Z

Tea in urban setting

2005-11-14T17:01:00.000Z

We went to St Agnes Place today, because we'd heard the eviction was coming soon. No one seemed to know what was going on, but there was a strange, eerie even, atmosphere. It reminded me very much of walking down Claremont road the first time..
I walked up and down the street uselessly, I didn't even feel comfortable taking photos much because, so many people were sitting at windows, mostly behind curtains, checking me out, I guess they were checking out the activities of the two community cops who were strolling down the middle of the street taking down all the vehicle numbers actually.
I wonder how big their resistance will be. Have they got something tucked up their sleeve, or is Lambeth going to brutally slay its last great squat without further opposition.
It's the Rasta headquaters ffs.
Bob Marley was there.
It's just plain wrong. Redevelopment in the area could have lived alongside this heritage site.
This place deserves to be defended.

2005-11-14T16:54:00.000Z

More views from my flat window, taken shortly before a massive thunderstorm.

2005-10-31T13:32:00.000Z

Izzy!

2005-10-31T12:46:00.000Z

Hekates' Halloween party.

2005-10-27T21:09:00.000Z

I think we just broke up, me and Teas' dad.
Weirdly enough I also managed to loose the fake diamond ring he gave me for my fortieth birthday, that I have worn everyday, which sucks, and kind of makes me think that maybe, this is finally it.

2005-10-20T12:36:00.000Z

Ruskin Park was beautiful this morning.

2005-10-19T18:25:00.000Z

Another wisdom tooth removed today.
Actually I'm sitting here eating Quality Street on the one side of the mouth, which I'm sure I shouldn't be.
My Black eye is now Magenta.
I look well beaten up.

2005-10-16T12:23:00.000Z

testing...