Monday, January 17, 2005
here's what I posted on Urban 75 last night...
My babys' father, well I've always known he was a bit of a junkie. Always on something. I also know he has a bit of a struggle with smack. Smokes it now and then, does methadone for a few weeks, then substitutes that for a bout of heavy drinking. Typing it out makes it sound dreadful, but he kind of keeps stuff together, holds down his job, comes to see us every weekend. He's unpredictable, but he loves his son, and he says he loves me. Every few months perhaps weeks, he'll come and tell me he's been weak that week and bought some smack.I cant control what he does, He's a free agent, we dont live together, I try and accept him, things are far from perfect but he's my kids dad, so I just try not to think about it too much, be open minded and get on with life.So this weekend he comes with presents and I know something's up. And when I've had a few glasses of wine myself, he tells me he has taken smack last week. And today I try talk to him about it, and we come to the usual conclusion that there's nothing I can do, and as the day wears on he becomes more sullen and snappy and we argue as we part, and I cant really understand why Im so upset right now. 'Cos I should be used to it.And he's not a smack addict in the cliched sense of it. He'd never rob from me or anyone. And he's been ticking along like this for years, so its quite possible he'll carry on without sinking too far low.It just makes me feel upset and I dont really know why. Nothing's new.
I feel so sad. I just wish it wasn't so.
My babys' father, well I've always known he was a bit of a junkie. Always on something. I also know he has a bit of a struggle with smack. Smokes it now and then, does methadone for a few weeks, then substitutes that for a bout of heavy drinking. Typing it out makes it sound dreadful, but he kind of keeps stuff together, holds down his job, comes to see us every weekend. He's unpredictable, but he loves his son, and he says he loves me. Every few months perhaps weeks, he'll come and tell me he's been weak that week and bought some smack.I cant control what he does, He's a free agent, we dont live together, I try and accept him, things are far from perfect but he's my kids dad, so I just try not to think about it too much, be open minded and get on with life.So this weekend he comes with presents and I know something's up. And when I've had a few glasses of wine myself, he tells me he has taken smack last week. And today I try talk to him about it, and we come to the usual conclusion that there's nothing I can do, and as the day wears on he becomes more sullen and snappy and we argue as we part, and I cant really understand why Im so upset right now. 'Cos I should be used to it.And he's not a smack addict in the cliched sense of it. He'd never rob from me or anyone. And he's been ticking along like this for years, so its quite possible he'll carry on without sinking too far low.It just makes me feel upset and I dont really know why. Nothing's new.
I feel so sad. I just wish it wasn't so.
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