<$BlogRSDURL$>

Friday, January 28, 2005

Today, is my dear, fucked-up , junkie baby father loves, 40th birthday.
My hope is that this sobering reality might kick start in him a desire for living another 40 years, so's he can at last begin to live more soberly. I'd love to see how our lives would turn out, if he began to operate at full power. I think he could be so dynamic. He is so dynamic, right inside himself, and beautiful, and charming, and funny.
That is why I selected him of course. *deep breath* There was this excellent post on Urban, which is such an excellent and excting place, all about the importance breathing. How breathing is a spiritual thing.

With regard to my own health, I am begining to feel that if I listen out carefully, AND follow the signs, the right path to restored health will be shown to me.
I've been paniking a bit because I am unable to follow the same plan of action as last time it was found I had 'abnormal' cells, all the giving everything up and and mainly the acupuncture side of it that resulted in nights of deep and peaceful slumber, which I am not getting at the moment, very often/hardly at all.
However, I think I am developing stratagies for dealing with this without having to have anyone stick pins in me,
the worrying thing is I feel like I need instant results, and my ways are slow. Like the Tai-Chi, must give that another chance.
Drinking lots of water,
Juicing every day,
remembering to breath in and out properly *desperate for a smiley here*
long walks,
Camomile tea at night...
buy that blood bed i've been thinking about for so long, and give myself every chance....
the list is on-going. I am open.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

All has gone quite quiet now. This is a good thing. I read such an incredible horoscope today, that asked me to remember what I had left behind in 1990.
Now that was the year I became pregnant with my first child, so in a way, what I left behind was myself, the original me, selfish and lame and full of faults, but nevertheless the me that I was before I became a mum.
It struck me as odd that I've been having this memory trip recently, what a coincidence that the first time for ages I actually spend any time dwelling on the past, it is written in the stars.
I should know there's no such thing as coincidence.
Anyways, reconnecting with the original me could be exciting.
The future is exciting.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Last night I took a tai chi class. I think mainly because of there only being three people in the class, I spent the whole time feeling excrutiatingly pained by own ineptitude. with no other beginners to help or hide my shocking lack of brain-body co-ordination.
Will I go next week? I'm not sure yet. I ought to give it a chance, but was just exhausted by the whole thing, especially the bit either end of sorting out T.
I guess I should pracice that zig zaggy walk, and see how many of the first 437 moves of the 'easy' routine I can remember.
I think my memory is shot to pieces.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I am filled with self doubt and loathing. suddenly gripped by it.

Last night, I wrote to an old flame. I dont know why really. I hope it doesn't turn out to be a destructive or problematic move. I see no reason why it should, its just that I'm not sure if it's fair on the other person, especially if you had dumped them somewhat unceremoniously.
spent ages writting the email, and it still reads ok today, here's what I wrote,

...
glad you answered my e-mail, not sure that you would, and would't of blamed you if you hadn't. Funny how quick time passes really. You gave me some brilliant memories, like tearing about in that bloody dinghy, and driving through the alps to Torino, and New York and all your fancy pads.... I didn't know it then, but in many ways it was the time of my life, and I do thank you for that.
After leaving college I just kind of abandoned any hope or desire to work in the film industry and got into environmental politics, initially going to protest sites to photograph them, but soon realising I had to step out from behind the camera and actually take part in the spectacle, to be fully, in the moment. This resulted in living up trees and organising roadblocking street parties, and that sort of madness, and generally having a brilliant time until I got arrested enough times that I had to re-consider everything, and just calm down and stop before things went too far. Its so wierd that your graduation film was saving the planet, when I actually spent the next decade trying to do it in my own strange way. I often wonder what happened to Dimitrius because he was so funny and cool. Actually re watched the film a few years ago and was stricken aghast by my abysmal acting skills more than any other thing *insert approprate smiley*, but, what an intense and crazy time that was?! Full of extrordinary interiors and landscapes as backdrops to our drama. The only really bad thing that came out of that time for me is my attatchment for smoking dope, which I've been trying to shake off for bloody years now, I hope you are free of it. And that I didn't hurt you for too long or much. It was very nice when you sent those flowers to my graduation show, I should of thanked you.
Anyways, nowdays, I love living really quietly with my kids, as befits a woman of my age, and somehow their gift to me is inner strength. I hope you've got some kids.
I spend much of my free time online, posting on this website and blogging, to nominal effect, but I like it. So, I hope this comes across in exactly the right way *insert slightly stoned smiley* and that you didn't mind the time travel. ciao matey, and all the best.

Hmm...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

anyway, dont know what amde me think of Alan and post that picture. We did have such a good time for a while though, me and him. And although we were never lovers, we loved each other and had passionate adventures together. We were the big fish back then, and we loved every minute of it.


well last night, me and T's dad split up. well, I finished with him in a not very nice way.
I wanted him to come to me understanding something of what I have been going through, but no.
He is utterly wrapped up in himself. All those chats we've had, about him getting clean, well they're all nonsense. He has no intention of any such thing. He tried to explain to me how smack isn't as bad as I thought, and I just felt so very alone. so god knows what happens now, but I must be brave. And strong

there's too many fucking problems in my life right now.
where's the laughs?

Friday, January 21, 2005


I cant even remember who took this picture, but it was taken half way down Glastonbury Tor on the morning of the summer solstice, 1996 or '97. I am sitting next to my very dear friend Alan, it is us in the middle. We didn't know each other was going to be there, but met by coincidence as we often did.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Sometimes I'd just love to be able to go down the pub, get pissed, forget all about it. Instead I have to make do with a brisk walk.
Well we haven't spoken all week since the latest heroin revelation. I've been well alternating between angry and upset. Last night a few tears just leaked out of my eyes for no apparent reason and dripped onto the pillow. I wasn't even thinking about it. It has upset me deep down this time, I think because I have been there so many times before now.

thank goodness for the support I have been getting from Urban75. It is so odd, these people I have never met, taking the time to talk to me, to comfort me.. I am so grateful. They have got me through this week, wwhat I daren't even say to them is that I have absolutely no one else right now.
Fuck knows how it happened really, but I walk alone.
(well apart from the three mini-mes trailing behing me!)

Monday, January 17, 2005

here's what I posted on Urban 75 last night...

My babys' father, well I've always known he was a bit of a junkie. Always on something. I also know he has a bit of a struggle with smack. Smokes it now and then, does methadone for a few weeks, then substitutes that for a bout of heavy drinking. Typing it out makes it sound dreadful, but he kind of keeps stuff together, holds down his job, comes to see us every weekend. He's unpredictable, but he loves his son, and he says he loves me. Every few months perhaps weeks, he'll come and tell me he's been weak that week and bought some smack.I cant control what he does, He's a free agent, we dont live together, I try and accept him, things are far from perfect but he's my kids dad, so I just try not to think about it too much, be open minded and get on with life.So this weekend he comes with presents and I know something's up. And when I've had a few glasses of wine myself, he tells me he has taken smack last week. And today I try talk to him about it, and we come to the usual conclusion that there's nothing I can do, and as the day wears on he becomes more sullen and snappy and we argue as we part, and I cant really understand why Im so upset right now. 'Cos I should be used to it.And he's not a smack addict in the cliched sense of it. He'd never rob from me or anyone. And he's been ticking along like this for years, so its quite possible he'll carry on without sinking too far low.It just makes me feel upset and I dont really know why. Nothing's new.


I feel so sad. I just wish it wasn't so.


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

the last two nights I repeated to myself ten times, tonight I will sleep deeply and peacefully, and awake fully refreshed.
And do you know, amazingly enough, I have slept much better.

Positive affirmations rock!

Monday, January 10, 2005

ITS LIKE NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS ABIT LATE;

drink lots of water every day, Im aiming for between 6 and 8 glasses a day. (flush the bloody thing out)
Juice daily.
write more (just so's I feel I'm doing something)
and walk to the park lots.

These easy, simple things might, just might, make a difference. And I need them to.





JUST FUCK OFF YOU ABNORMAL CELLS!

Friday, January 07, 2005

What to expect?

I think I've gone slightly nutty since recieving my abnormal smear test results.
Managed to stave it off during the festive period with much day time drinking and spliffage.
Now comes the time to get real and clean up my act. Clean up my body. If I can.

Should I expect any support with this from my junkie baby father?

Who knows.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Lying in bed listening to the quiet, reassuring breath of my baby. I am finding it hard to doze off. The cars are so noisy and intrusive. A plane passes over head. It roars. The family down below are engaged in some lively banter. This place is a bit noisy for me.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Tonight, is twelfth night, I think.
So tree down, christmas over. Vee said this year was the best ever.
Certainly the lunch was the best I've ever ever cooked.
Ace layed the table beautifully with dark pink napkins, shiney glasses, special christmas flower centerpiece, and the home made crackers that Hective and his perhaps new wife made. It was a feast. And a triumph.
My hands were sore at the end of it though, from all the kitchen work.



Sunday, January 02, 2005

Well happy new year!

notes to self: 1,find another author name for Mr.T. He is a baby. It sounds stupid.
2, be healthy.
3, find out exactly what this entails.
4, Stay positive
5,believe, my body is a temple, and give it every chance to heal itself...........
6, write more. explore urban 75 personna.
7, just try and stay positive. 'Cos things are great.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?