I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

So, I've worked out the thing to do is keep my mouth shut. Not something that comes naturally, but where has complaining ever got me before?
This is my new mantra: SAY NOTHING.
Just accept whatever crumbs of comfort that are thrown at me gratefully, and DO NOT ASK FOR MORE.
After all, I must learn to be completely autonomous. To provide myself with everything | need. Only this way will I find peace. I must give up all ideas of love and support, because it just drives me mad, literally, when they are not forthcoming.
Happiness must come from within.
It's just so hard.
There's this nice poster on Urban75, who yesterday recommended that in order to start sorting out the inside, I must first do some work on the outside. She suggested making a special space for me within my flat. Well as I havent even decorated my own room, I guess I should do that.
Although this morning I did some preparotory work on the bathroom.
God I feel fucked-up.

Some mornings, I feel so fucking negative.
Like, its another beautiful spring morning, the blossom is out on the trees, and yet I am shrounded with depressing thoughts. The worst part is knowing that I am always like this, whatever my situation, never quite happy. There's always something spoiling my happiness and its stupid, it sucks, but however hard I try to change old patterns of behaviour, I cannot manage it. I NEED HELP! But how??? How can I over come this. My predominant feeling is one of dissapointment and depression over the circumstances of the growing of X. I mutter to myself as I walk along, why is it I have no help, that I am alone so much, that I have not managed to build a loving second family that I so wanted? I mean Its not like any of my other crazy dreams that have gone down the pan, like being an artist or leading the green revolution or anything. This was totally achievable, I deserved it, but now it's all fucked up.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

Just returned from the dentist. Wisdom tooth freshly drilled and filled, and it feels great to have had it sorted. I have to admit to even enjoying the anaesthetic, reminding me what a drug fiend I am/was.
I woke this morning feeling as if a dark cloud had been lifted. Why, I have no idea. My dreams were full of bloody Animal crossing, quite stressed out, but nevertheless I awoke knowing things were a bit better today.
Last night me and Paul wrote the proposal for the spike tent at the Cannabis festival in Brockwell park. It's exciting to think of that day. Definately one of the highlights of the year.

There's only one person really I want to know the inside of my head, and that person doesn't want to know.
What am I to do now?

Dont know why, or what I am doing this blog for.
Obviously no one would want to read my personal diary, and anyway, why publish it ffs??
I havent got any answers to anything. It's been a depressing weekend.

My relationship with Xes dad is completely out of balance.

and there's nothing I can do. Just accept.
Bad start to the week really.

Terrible scene yesterday morning. Agruments, me feeling totally taken for granted, and under appreciated. Xes' dad unmovable.
Entire day ruined really.
Beautiful spring days and once again I yearn for an outdoor space. People try and tell me it's just the same going to the park, but oh how I desperately desire a private outdoor space. To sit in my dressing gown sipping tea, reading the paper, with the fresh air on my face and no loons, drunks footballs or dogs/shit to bother me.
Its awful to want what you cannot have.
I didn't demonstrate yesterday, well I was ill for a week after the last one, and ...well theres no real excuse, I felt like shit. Cried all day long.
Houdini and I went to the Urbanite party later, and I stayed up till 3am!!! Like it's been so long. I'm paying for it now though, my bones feel stiff and I have zero energy. It was good to talk about my situation, but...nothing is solved.
Last night I dreamt I started injecting heroin. I did it twice. Once into each arm, and I woke feeling utterly disturbed. I can only assume this is down to the two or three Marlborough lite I smoked last night. Disgusting, totally disgusting.

Dilemma.
Basically, these days, I wake with an energy deficit.
There are many things I want to do today.
First I must take Ace dancing, then comes my dilemma. I want to go to the anti-war demo, but even more I want to go to the Urbanites party tonight in Brixton. The trouble is, I know I will not have enough energy to go to both these events, much as I want to. My body will not allow it, however willing my mind is.
So I must choose.

My conscience obviously dictates I should demonstrate against war.
But I haven't been out to party since NewYears eve...bollox!

A bit down today.

Last night, a piece of my wisdom tooth falls out. Luckily I was able to see the dentist this morning, and have an half hour appointment for next Wed. So thats doctors tues, dentist wed. It seems as if its getting harder and harder to keep body and soul together. Or maybe I shoild make that just body... crumbling, decaying, anaemic, old.
I'm feeling my age.
So my son recieved a detention for his anti war actions, but my blessing. He is a shinning light and I really must ensue that I give him as much guidance and encouragment as he needs. Its so easy to get caught up in the business off the day, to forget to take time to 'be' together.
At midday, I'm heading off to the town hall as theres meant to be a rally against the war. I feel very sceptical though.

So yesterday my bold and beautiful son comes home from school and announces that they are to go on strike at 10.05 this morning. 'who organised it?' I wanted to know, I asked him several times, like a bloody cop. He said he didn't know, it was a secret, possibly year eight... I gave him a big hug and told him he had my total support for his actions today, but then I couldn't help myself from telling him to be most careful of the roads. I am thinking of him now. My gorgeous and suprizing first born. He's been on a few actions over the years, but generally I have try to keep them both protected from it really, you know cops and violence and friends being arrested or beaten. I've lead a political life but have always been sure not to indoctronate them.

Feels like I've been away for quite a while, Urban75 is bustling toady, loads of great sounding threads like, 'Claire Short is a ninny' or somesuch and I cant get up to speed to join in somehow. I'm subscribed to these two really interesting threads right now, one about gentrification in Brixton, and the other about ClassWar and the motorist. Wracking my brains what to repy.Its like I can see where The Blackhand is coming from, that being, the only war is the class war essentially., But I cannot embrace his vision of a post revolutionary furture if there is no vision, of things really improving. Things that matter to me. Anyway, Newbie is involved in both and is someone I have noticed a lot.
On Sunday night, I dreamt I was in a church praying, trying to remember the lords prayer. I am gutted about the whole war thing.

My family were struck by a mystery bug this weekend. Spent all Friday night either puking, clearing up puke, or comforting hot, traumatised little ones, who are not so lttle anymore. They both got into my bed and snuggled up close to me in a manner they have not done for quite some time. They're actually good enough to make it to the sink or the bog after the first couple of times, bless 'em.Just as soon as they had got better enough to go to their dads, than I begin puking in earnest. Repeatedly running to the icy cold bathroom, returning to shiver in the bed, but then yesterday I was permited to lie in bed all day listening to the war begin on news 24 , being brought cups of tea and nice things to eat. So I feel much better today. Returned home to find letter from doctors wanting to see me about results of my 'tests'. I phone, my mind full of aids and panic 'cause they make you have an aids test, but nothing to worry about, Its just I'm a bit anaemic. Hmmm.

Changed my template yet again, but only because I can't quite get my head around customising, which is frustrating.
Yesterday was brilliant. My Grace had a perfect birthday

Today is my daughters 10th birthday!
And I'd like to give thanks to the cosmos for the wonder that is Grace!

As from right now, my blog is linked to my Urban75 profile. And so, if anyone has come here, I say welcome and er...sorry about the mess, I've just moved in!

< Last night I dreamt about my blog, or rather it was in my dream.

// posted by aurora @ 12.3.03 (0) comments