Monday, February 07, 2005
Last night we went to dinner at Ts dads' friend, which would of been lovley, having food cooked for me, were it not for T falling and hitting his head against a glass tv stand.
Luckily he was ok, although he does have a large red mark on the brow bone today, but it was shocking. Having had three kids, I was kind of calm, knew what to do etc. but it was Ts dads' attitute that has really disturbed me. He was like, well if you hadn't had that glass of wine you'd of caught him in time, laying the blame quickly and firmly at my door. It didn't even occur to him to be supportive to me, in the situation, it was just, my fault.
Today, I keep having these thoughts like, I look after T all the time. Alone. I keep him safe and happy and well nourished. I change his every single shitty nappy, I would do anything for him, in fact I doubt there is a more devoted mum, and do I ever recieve any praise? I dont expect any, but somehow this casual remake from a fucking heroin addict for fucks sake has hurt me. I shouldn't of had the wine. I guess as I am solely and totally responsible, I should never let a drop pass my lips ever, so no one can ever fault me.
I wish I could stop dwelling on it.
After that I proceeded to empty the entire bottle of wine, my phone fell into the disgustingly skanky toilet, and Ts' dad continued to criticise me for not being able to handle my drink and not liking me when I'd had a drink.
I woke up in the night feeling so upset and alone.
Luckily he was ok, although he does have a large red mark on the brow bone today, but it was shocking. Having had three kids, I was kind of calm, knew what to do etc. but it was Ts dads' attitute that has really disturbed me. He was like, well if you hadn't had that glass of wine you'd of caught him in time, laying the blame quickly and firmly at my door. It didn't even occur to him to be supportive to me, in the situation, it was just, my fault.
Today, I keep having these thoughts like, I look after T all the time. Alone. I keep him safe and happy and well nourished. I change his every single shitty nappy, I would do anything for him, in fact I doubt there is a more devoted mum, and do I ever recieve any praise? I dont expect any, but somehow this casual remake from a fucking heroin addict for fucks sake has hurt me. I shouldn't of had the wine. I guess as I am solely and totally responsible, I should never let a drop pass my lips ever, so no one can ever fault me.
I wish I could stop dwelling on it.
After that I proceeded to empty the entire bottle of wine, my phone fell into the disgustingly skanky toilet, and Ts' dad continued to criticise me for not being able to handle my drink and not liking me when I'd had a drink.
I woke up in the night feeling so upset and alone.
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