Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Do you ever feel like your luck has run out?
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I feel that way. A bit. If I feel negative, people (or I myself) will always say, 'well you've got three beautiful children' and that I have.
Is it wrong to expect anymore?
Hectives' fiance has moved in with him, displacing Vee and Ace somewhat. Its early days, but things are changing. Hective actually said to me this week that he would no longer be able to help me out anymore. He balked when I said that would in turn make Vee and Ace poorer, but it will. It's funny how two rich and powerful people marry, and we get poorer.
I arranged for broadband connection today, because I cannot continue to share a line with them. Too much pressure, and also, I cant keep ringing them up to ask when they'll be finished. I'd find it demeaning. Plus, I really dont want to get on her nerves, or in any way enter into anything other than a friendly dynamic.
My heart's heavy though, even if I have no right.
And can I rely on T's dad, to see me through this? Certainly not in the way I'd like. Even at my old age, I seem to crave some love and attention, but find him to be distant, critical , and non-demonstrative.
Am I wrong to ask affection of him?
I keep striving to be this completely self-contained power house of a mother who needs no one and nothing more than what I have already. And then things are lost, friendships, I cant seem to get them right, I find myself isolated and alone, with just this machine for comfort. God Im feeling a bit mad tonight.
Last night I tried my old friend smoking to cheer me up, and it was so odd, I had a completely physical reaction to it. I was actually violently sick. My body taking control over my feeble mind, and saying NO. I certainly didn't have any today. I cant afford to start smoking.
The really good thing that has happened was buying the mattress, even though it was so expensive it has cleaned me out, and my normal sheets dont fit, and I cant afford to buy any King size ones, it doesn't matter. I lay the old ones on top without tucking them in, and I sleep.
I am hoping so much, that this sleep is repairing my body.
-------------------------------------------
I feel that way. A bit. If I feel negative, people (or I myself) will always say, 'well you've got three beautiful children' and that I have.
Is it wrong to expect anymore?
Hectives' fiance has moved in with him, displacing Vee and Ace somewhat. Its early days, but things are changing. Hective actually said to me this week that he would no longer be able to help me out anymore. He balked when I said that would in turn make Vee and Ace poorer, but it will. It's funny how two rich and powerful people marry, and we get poorer.
I arranged for broadband connection today, because I cannot continue to share a line with them. Too much pressure, and also, I cant keep ringing them up to ask when they'll be finished. I'd find it demeaning. Plus, I really dont want to get on her nerves, or in any way enter into anything other than a friendly dynamic.
My heart's heavy though, even if I have no right.
And can I rely on T's dad, to see me through this? Certainly not in the way I'd like. Even at my old age, I seem to crave some love and attention, but find him to be distant, critical , and non-demonstrative.
Am I wrong to ask affection of him?
I keep striving to be this completely self-contained power house of a mother who needs no one and nothing more than what I have already. And then things are lost, friendships, I cant seem to get them right, I find myself isolated and alone, with just this machine for comfort. God Im feeling a bit mad tonight.
Last night I tried my old friend smoking to cheer me up, and it was so odd, I had a completely physical reaction to it. I was actually violently sick. My body taking control over my feeble mind, and saying NO. I certainly didn't have any today. I cant afford to start smoking.
The really good thing that has happened was buying the mattress, even though it was so expensive it has cleaned me out, and my normal sheets dont fit, and I cant afford to buy any King size ones, it doesn't matter. I lay the old ones on top without tucking them in, and I sleep.
I am hoping so much, that this sleep is repairing my body.
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