I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

A news report today about a possible vaccine for cervical cancer has just triggered a bout of fear and worry.
I am so frightened. Apparently one in twelve women will recieve an abnormal smear test and wait for the repeat test, hoping and willing that their immune system will fight the good fight. And win.
I am angry at myself. In December when I was told this news, I set myself some goals, and carried them out for all of January. Then I dont know what happened really, but I have failed even to juice. I have failed to drink enough water. I have failed to achieve deep sleep very often. And Im fucking scared, and angry for lunching myself out. Being ill didn't help, my immune system has had a lot to cope with. Plus I haven't really managed to give up smoking even. I smoke tobacco at every chance. I have in the last three months even bought packets of tobacco, though I cant remember how much exactly. I've definately smoked a spliff every weekend.
It is as if I cant really make the connection this time.
Last time it happened, I was deathly serious about my healing. This time I haven't really helped my body at all. I just shoved it to the back of my mind. It makes me feel sick.
I've got one month left...