Monday, April 18, 2005
What a terrible mistake that was. And somehow, I knew it even before I'd even left. Ts dad didn't speak to me all weekend. I either played quietly with T, or sat alone whilst he played with his dad. This went on for hours and hours, and then of course we had this massive argument bacause I couldn't keep quiet. He screamed at me that I was a psycho and a slag that I wanted to agrue etc. etc.
I had wanted some company.
T. pucked all over me in the van on the way home. His dad stormed off away and switched his phone off. End of, as far as he's concerned.
I have to distract myself. Think about anything else. I am so fucking fucked off with not getting on with people. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am actually physically incapable of maintaining a good relationship with anyone. Sometimes I just dont know what the fuck is going on. Why do I expect him to talk to me?
Totally unpredicatbly, after 20 months, I gave up breastfeeding T. We were out of the routine, and it seemed like a good opportunity. Perhaps this is heightening my sense of loss. Times move on. Things begin and things end. My baby is now a small boy.
I had wanted some company.
T. pucked all over me in the van on the way home. His dad stormed off away and switched his phone off. End of, as far as he's concerned.
I have to distract myself. Think about anything else. I am so fucking fucked off with not getting on with people. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am actually physically incapable of maintaining a good relationship with anyone. Sometimes I just dont know what the fuck is going on. Why do I expect him to talk to me?
Totally unpredicatbly, after 20 months, I gave up breastfeeding T. We were out of the routine, and it seemed like a good opportunity. Perhaps this is heightening my sense of loss. Times move on. Things begin and things end. My baby is now a small boy.
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