Thursday, August 03, 2006
So yesterday, I said I'd go to Sophias' house (the west Norwood lady with the flat on the ground floor).
I'd had a terrible night, agonising, then phoned Nan just before I left the house thinking somehow she'd be really pleased with my news. It seems stupid now, but I was shocked with her response. She was adamant that the woman must be giving up the flat for some reason, there must be rats, mice, ants, cockroaches, damp, nutty neighbours, or some other explanation to why the woman was willing to swap with me. She went on at great length, about what I was giving up....basically, better the devil you know philosophy. So I put the phone down in tears.
I then rang Jay, another mistake, because really soon he's telling me to f*ck off, because he doesn't want to hear my doubts. (He's never any good in a crisis, don't know how I could forget.)
(Anyways, so Ace, Tea and me journey to West Norwood, and it's a sunny morning, and the estate looks better than I remember. Sophia lets us in, and the flat is full, and I mean full of council workmen, there's one painting the window frames in the living room, at least two in the kitchen banging something and another two, electricians this time, in the hall, plus loads of relatives everywhere.
Through the chaos Ace and I do a bit of half hearted measuring, then Ace takes Tea to play out side, when she returns she says, 'it's lovley mum'.
And it does seem all quite lovley. I sit drinking tea with Sofia, she says the kitchen and bathroom have just been treated for damp and redecorated only last week. (This still worries me.)
I also notice paint covers the outside of the living room window, as if someone has thrown a paintbomb at it, she excuses it with carnival...
Anyway, I sign the forms.
And this morning I post them recorded delivery, and feel reasonable happy with my decision all day.
So then I'm sitting in bed reading stories to Tea and I cant quite concentrate on the story because just before I started reading Tea asks when we're going to the park again, we haven't been all week, I've been so busy, and my mind starts to wonder what we will do without any parks close at hand, we're so lucky living here nestled between three parks and there are non close by to the new flat...
The phone rings, and unusually Ace brings it in to me, its Jamie Shitta, my housing officer finally phoning back (I'd been trying to reach him all day) and he gos through all the cons of moving; how the council wont do any repairs for a year after the swap, how the nieghbours could be from hell, the same points as my Nan actually, 'I just want to be on the ground ' I say 'So I can keep an eye on my kids while they play', and he says, 'but you've got that beautiful park right next door to you...and before long I'm in tears again, and for some reason I'm saying to him, I just dont want to leave this estate, I've been here for twenty years,...and I'm sobbing...and he's kind actually, but I'm just in a right old state once again.
And now I'm thinking, is this terrible doubt normal? Or am I about to make a serious mistake? I know I can't speak to Jay about it, because he just doesn't see it. I feel ill from it all really.Wish I knew what to do...
I'd had a terrible night, agonising, then phoned Nan just before I left the house thinking somehow she'd be really pleased with my news. It seems stupid now, but I was shocked with her response. She was adamant that the woman must be giving up the flat for some reason, there must be rats, mice, ants, cockroaches, damp, nutty neighbours, or some other explanation to why the woman was willing to swap with me. She went on at great length, about what I was giving up....basically, better the devil you know philosophy. So I put the phone down in tears.
I then rang Jay, another mistake, because really soon he's telling me to f*ck off, because he doesn't want to hear my doubts. (He's never any good in a crisis, don't know how I could forget.)
(Anyways, so Ace, Tea and me journey to West Norwood, and it's a sunny morning, and the estate looks better than I remember. Sophia lets us in, and the flat is full, and I mean full of council workmen, there's one painting the window frames in the living room, at least two in the kitchen banging something and another two, electricians this time, in the hall, plus loads of relatives everywhere.
Through the chaos Ace and I do a bit of half hearted measuring, then Ace takes Tea to play out side, when she returns she says, 'it's lovley mum'.
And it does seem all quite lovley. I sit drinking tea with Sofia, she says the kitchen and bathroom have just been treated for damp and redecorated only last week. (This still worries me.)
I also notice paint covers the outside of the living room window, as if someone has thrown a paintbomb at it, she excuses it with carnival...
Anyway, I sign the forms.
And this morning I post them recorded delivery, and feel reasonable happy with my decision all day.
So then I'm sitting in bed reading stories to Tea and I cant quite concentrate on the story because just before I started reading Tea asks when we're going to the park again, we haven't been all week, I've been so busy, and my mind starts to wonder what we will do without any parks close at hand, we're so lucky living here nestled between three parks and there are non close by to the new flat...
The phone rings, and unusually Ace brings it in to me, its Jamie Shitta, my housing officer finally phoning back (I'd been trying to reach him all day) and he gos through all the cons of moving; how the council wont do any repairs for a year after the swap, how the nieghbours could be from hell, the same points as my Nan actually, 'I just want to be on the ground ' I say 'So I can keep an eye on my kids while they play', and he says, 'but you've got that beautiful park right next door to you...and before long I'm in tears again, and for some reason I'm saying to him, I just dont want to leave this estate, I've been here for twenty years,...and I'm sobbing...and he's kind actually, but I'm just in a right old state once again.
And now I'm thinking, is this terrible doubt normal? Or am I about to make a serious mistake? I know I can't speak to Jay about it, because he just doesn't see it. I feel ill from it all really.Wish I knew what to do...
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