I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

Oh dear. I think I might of jinxed the sleep thing. Last night I lay awake for hours and hours in my comfy new bed. Why, oh why.

Do you ever feel like your luck has run out?
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I feel that way. A bit. If I feel negative, people (or I myself) will always say, 'well you've got three beautiful children' and that I have.
Is it wrong to expect anymore?
Hectives' fiance has moved in with him, displacing Vee and Ace somewhat. Its early days, but things are changing. Hective actually said to me this week that he would no longer be able to help me out anymore. He balked when I said that would in turn make Vee and Ace poorer, but it will. It's funny how two rich and powerful people marry, and we get poorer.
I arranged for broadband connection today, because I cannot continue to share a line with them. Too much pressure, and also, I cant keep ringing them up to ask when they'll be finished. I'd find it demeaning. Plus, I really dont want to get on her nerves, or in any way enter into anything other than a friendly dynamic.
My heart's heavy though, even if I have no right.
And can I rely on T's dad, to see me through this? Certainly not in the way I'd like. Even at my old age, I seem to crave some love and attention, but find him to be distant, critical , and non-demonstrative.
Am I wrong to ask affection of him?
I keep striving to be this completely self-contained power house of a mother who needs no one and nothing more than what I have already. And then things are lost, friendships, I cant seem to get them right, I find myself isolated and alone, with just this machine for comfort. God Im feeling a bit mad tonight.

Last night I tried my old friend smoking to cheer me up, and it was so odd, I had a completely physical reaction to it. I was actually violently sick. My body taking control over my feeble mind, and saying NO. I certainly didn't have any today. I cant afford to start smoking.

The really good thing that has happened was buying the mattress, even though it was so expensive it has cleaned me out, and my normal sheets dont fit, and I cant afford to buy any King size ones, it doesn't matter. I lay the old ones on top without tucking them in, and I sleep.
I am hoping so much, that this sleep is repairing my body.

This weekend. Easter.
Hective has caught the train to escort his new bride home from Liverpool.

Houdini visited to tell me how horrible I'd been in Iceland. (!) Gutted to discover he and my dear lovley 2K would think that about me.
I think I must live in some kind of crazed fantasy land, when I have absolutely NO self awareness whatsoever.
I seem to barge through life pissing people off, with out having any idea I am doing so.
Which is a bit of a headfuck I can tell you.
Anyways, I tried to explain how things were from my angle, and I think he understood, a bit.
I feel a bit dazed now.

I have been ill.
Completely taken out by a bout of flu.
Totally dependent on the Dads for child care.
Yesterday was my first day in actual recovery, and I spent the whole day with tears streaming down my face. There were various triggers; Hectives impending marriage, the fear of spending this year fighting cervical cancer, my Nan being so old, loosing my dreadlocks...I dont know, just tears washing through me all day.
Hopefully today will be better emotionally, and physically.

I am finally an Aunty!
This is my beautiful niece, Roxy. Born on the 10th March 2005.
Welcome to the world precious love.

Being part of the U75 blogging community is raising regular questions for me. And they're nearly all technical. Oh, the pain.
It's one thing to worry about your own creative limits, but all the tekno stuff, well it's like maths innit. Bloody logically solvable. There's no excuse.

So I'm unsure if my blogring code works properly, when I try it, a script error pop-up appears on my screen...Aghhh!

Anyways, chaos abounds in my house. The flat looks rather like it has been ransacked by disgruntled burglars. T is only just recovering from a nasty snotty bug. I spent �50 on non-comb herbal nit remedy yesterday, but Brixton wholefoods only had six bottles in stock, and they've had to order in the seventh, that I need to fully cover every member of my families hair. So tommorrow is the big family Nit day. Meantime I've been treating my savage new haircut with Quasia bark, which is a very effective but highly labourious treatment of infused tree bark. It feels better already.
My big regret is needlessly exposing my already tired immune system to all those carcinogenics in that toxic pesticide. What a stupid stupid decision that was. I could feel the little buggers had survived the next day, where as with the quasia, you can definately feel them diminsishing with every application.
And on the subject of my hair, well Ace said it was "disgusting" and that I looked like even more of a hippy with the shaved back and sides than I did with all the dreads.
Since having the Xanthelasma on my eyes, vanity is a thing of the past, so all I feel with my new hair is kind of free. Free of a massive tangled itchy mess, but I dont really like to embarress my kids. Oh, what to do...

Please look here http://subvertise.org/starthere.php
I cant remember being as excited about a website in ages. Just brilliant. I might have to make it a permenant link. Such a useful resourse, and their subverted banner ads, are just class.

OMG. I feel like I've got to do something really good now all those potential U75er's might be looking....
Cue blank empty void.

It's got quite exciting being a blogger this week. I feel aprehensive being part of U75 blog syndicate, particularly since so many posters profess to hate blogs such as this, and partly because of the high standard of the other blogs, but I couldn't resist joining in. I'm pretty sure it might change the nature of this thing, but we'll see. Do check out the other blogs though.


So I have lost more than half my dreadds!!! Shaved off the back and sides in quite a dramatic fashion. T's dad got very excited at the prospect of turning everyone into Space-monkeys. He looks great actually, just how he did when we first met three years ago, which is very sexy (!)

My hair right now, in the Hazeness of a Saturday night, looks like a good move. Streamlined if you like. Less = more. Anyways. Comfortably numb by the sister sisters is playing loud in my house. I am not yet free of the creatures that have been tormenting me. There is still more mass extermination to do.
Nits!! It's been shocking.

I'm just going to have to trust you completely...





I was struck by the beauty of this cover of New Orders' album, 'Power, Corruption, Lies'.
The painting is byHenri Fantin-Latour.

God theres a lot for me to. I've just got to pull things together healthwise. Time for strictness. Self discipline. Again.For I am PATHETIC

The house has really changed this week. The Dads have been simultaniously up -grading my technology. Which, it turns out, is really cool inspite of the chaos, his 'old' laptop is a fantastic up grade for me, I have speakers for the first time!! Plus a really great screen.
new problem is my incredibly itchy scalp. Maybe my dreads will have to come off. Today was a day when I actually started to think it was time. New Phase.
And wierdly, recently I have been actually considering joining the Green party, but Im not at all sure I am serious.

So, I cant keep away.

Here is is with Ace three or four months later. He is such a super man!

...And here's one of my gorgeous third child, T on his first day in this world.

So Hective just gave me this laptop, and on it are some pictures I'd almost forgotten.