Friday, January 30, 2004
I just bought some cheese. Why?
Do I want an early death?
I guess after all these years not managing to give up smoking, I'm going to have some problems giving up fat.
Still, at least I HAVE given up smoking.
Do I want an early death?
I guess after all these years not managing to give up smoking, I'm going to have some problems giving up fat.
Still, at least I HAVE given up smoking.
Well , this week I feel fine. Fine and great and happy. Coping well.
Hective's working, Xes dad's away as per, but Im loving it really, just me and the kids, kind of struggling through. It's hard to get enough food into the house, everyone eats so much, but thats my only real problem.
As for sleep...Ahhhh...I dream of it.
Actually, I dreamt I had the choice between two flats last night, I hope it was prophetic.
Hective's working, Xes dad's away as per, but Im loving it really, just me and the kids, kind of struggling through. It's hard to get enough food into the house, everyone eats so much, but thats my only real problem.
As for sleep...Ahhhh...I dream of it.
Actually, I dreamt I had the choice between two flats last night, I hope it was prophetic.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Well, Im no clearer about the Xes dad situation, (I really must think of a name for him-must ignore immediate ideas that spring to mind!) He was again so angry at me, and it turned out who he really was angry with was his ex. Or is it that he just hates all women? Hmm...
So having finally, once and for all, knocked the evil demon that is smoking on the head, the government ads with arteries clogged with fat really helped, I must say, I am now going to tackle food in earnest. Which means no binge eating fat. Like I do so well with my skim milk and smoked mackeral, and then find myself scoffing half a bar of green&black chocolate uncontrollably, 40% fat, and ruin it all.
I have to find a way of filling myself up, without fat. It's quite hard on only bread, fruit and veg. I ordered two cook books yesterday, hopefully they will help.
So having finally, once and for all, knocked the evil demon that is smoking on the head, the government ads with arteries clogged with fat really helped, I must say, I am now going to tackle food in earnest. Which means no binge eating fat. Like I do so well with my skim milk and smoked mackeral, and then find myself scoffing half a bar of green&black chocolate uncontrollably, 40% fat, and ruin it all.
I have to find a way of filling myself up, without fat. It's quite hard on only bread, fruit and veg. I ordered two cook books yesterday, hopefully they will help.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
No Sleep...no sleep... Baby likes no sleep. He must be suffering from sleep deprivation. I know I am. My brain and body are so fuzzy. No, my body's stiff. Its like I can't think straight. No time... No time to write this.. No sleep. He wakes every hour. Vee holds him now and I choose to type here. No sleep. I may try write it all down tonight, keep a pen by bed. No sleep.
Xes dad says he's coming again this weekend. I swear to god if he's as much trouble this time, something will have to be done. I cant stand him playing up as well.
No sleep. I am Mrs. No Sleep. Make that Ms. No sleep!
Xes dad says he's coming again this weekend. I swear to god if he's as much trouble this time, something will have to be done. I cant stand him playing up as well.
No sleep. I am Mrs. No Sleep. Make that Ms. No sleep!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
More trouble with Xes dad.
I honestly dont know where this is going. He looks for any opportunity to tell me to FUCK OFF.
Slam down the phone. Shout and accuse.
He says I tell him off. I cant seem to say or do a thing right. I'm supposed to find last weekend an endearing joke or something. It wouldn't be so bad if the big kids wern't involved. But I dont want them being disturbed by some drugged-up scary person. I asked him if he realised that they were aware of mood/behavour changes brought on by drugs. He said he was. By Monday he's telling me to fuck right off, and I cant help but wonder, if this aggression is also down to drugs, the comedown etc. Perhaps he doesn't really mean it, perhaps he will realise what he has done, how short tempered he is with me...Perhaps not.
I honestly dont know where this is going. He looks for any opportunity to tell me to FUCK OFF.
Slam down the phone. Shout and accuse.
He says I tell him off. I cant seem to say or do a thing right. I'm supposed to find last weekend an endearing joke or something. It wouldn't be so bad if the big kids wern't involved. But I dont want them being disturbed by some drugged-up scary person. I asked him if he realised that they were aware of mood/behavour changes brought on by drugs. He said he was. By Monday he's telling me to fuck right off, and I cant help but wonder, if this aggression is also down to drugs, the comedown etc. Perhaps he doesn't really mean it, perhaps he will realise what he has done, how short tempered he is with me...Perhaps not.
Monday, January 19, 2004
So this weekend, Xes dad comes to stay. Come to cook for me actually, a special oily fish, low fat dinner.
Very thoughtful. Only he's off his face. Takes me a while to realise. I at firat put his manicness down to nerves. It's so hard to tell the 'real' him. So he's banging and smashing his way around the kitchen, some three hours later, dinner is produced, but he's wound up and cross with me, or the strain of concentration, or something. We all eat, and afterward, I ask him what he's taken and he says half a pill. Must of been an incredibly strong one is all I can say. I decide on an early night.
X wakes me up the 'normal' 5 times, Xes' dad also wakes me up. I can hear a very loud sound of running water. It is him, pissing in my bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I repeat several times, until he realises and rushes to the bathroom.
He says he had no idea where he was.
I am just shocked and kind of disgusted.
Fortunately only one washable rug is piss socked. Two feet to the left, he would have damaged a stack of photos that have been waiting for me to find them a home, two feet to the other side, the babies cot.
I dont know, I've just been depressed since then.
I lay awake last night worrying. What have I done having a baby with this man. What future do we have?
This year, I will be 40. I haven't had a proper job for twenty years. Finding a soulmate seems more illusive than ever. I'm rapidly loosing my looks. These hidious fatty growths around my eyes dont help. I wonder if ther's another cause for them, other than my raised cholesterol levels.
I dont know, I'm all mixed up. In many ways.
Very thoughtful. Only he's off his face. Takes me a while to realise. I at firat put his manicness down to nerves. It's so hard to tell the 'real' him. So he's banging and smashing his way around the kitchen, some three hours later, dinner is produced, but he's wound up and cross with me, or the strain of concentration, or something. We all eat, and afterward, I ask him what he's taken and he says half a pill. Must of been an incredibly strong one is all I can say. I decide on an early night.
X wakes me up the 'normal' 5 times, Xes' dad also wakes me up. I can hear a very loud sound of running water. It is him, pissing in my bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I repeat several times, until he realises and rushes to the bathroom.
He says he had no idea where he was.
I am just shocked and kind of disgusted.
Fortunately only one washable rug is piss socked. Two feet to the left, he would have damaged a stack of photos that have been waiting for me to find them a home, two feet to the other side, the babies cot.
I dont know, I've just been depressed since then.
I lay awake last night worrying. What have I done having a baby with this man. What future do we have?
This year, I will be 40. I haven't had a proper job for twenty years. Finding a soulmate seems more illusive than ever. I'm rapidly loosing my looks. These hidious fatty growths around my eyes dont help. I wonder if ther's another cause for them, other than my raised cholesterol levels.
I dont know, I'm all mixed up. In many ways.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
On Thursday 15th Jan '04, Baby X tasted his first solid food! I hadn't wanted to start quite so early, but had been prompted to do so by his waking 5 times a night starving hungry. Needless to say, I am exhausted by all this relentless night time activity. I haven't slept more that two hours in a row for longer than I care to remember. Which is one of the reasons why I am not turning up here. I really want to keep a record though. I've began taking pictures again though, which is good. Hective bought me a fabulous printer/scanner/copier for christmas, which I am keen to learn how to use, just as soon as I get a free window, and maybe it will spur me on in learning how to publish pictures here, if only for my own delectation(!)
