I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

Once more for May....
Have decided to perhaps try and spend less time on Urban75. I find the me that I find there a bit...


Anyways, my three lovley children are relaxing throughout my home. I have cooked a sucessful dinner. I feel content.

At Nans' party, Vee was very keen to have his picture taken with the oscar and Uncle Roys' photo. So I'll close this months page with this snap of the three of them.

Last day of May.
Its been a good month. May as ever, doesn't let me down.
It's wierd, since actually recovering from the GA. I feel somewhat re-born.
At least thats what I told Ts' dad yesterday.
Stitches come out tomorrow, and hopefully the desperate desire to scratch my itchy eyes will go.
I enjoyed being at the Green fair immensely yesterday, I left all the cynicism to Ts dad, and marvelled at the Solar powered rig, which sounded really impressive, and the wandering through amiable hippy crowds, occasionally bumping into familiar faces.
The only thing bought was a copy of a pamphlet 'Beyond Oil- The Oil curse and solutions for an oil free future' from a tireless Climate change activist I know, who was actually feeling a bit down.
There's something about the kingston Green fair thats not quite right, perhaps its just the affluent setting, but we had a nice afternoon though, we all came back happy.

Today, Bank Holiday Monday, My daughter has gone shopping for a bridesmaid dress with Step Mum to be; Hanna.
A big black storm cloud hangs is the sky as we, wait to set off for the Kingston Green Fair. Ts' dad feels guilty for spilling a cup of tea in my new Birkenstocks (both left and right shoe.)
My eyes are on the mend, thanks for all the support concerning that, by the way. I've got to go and make the bloody sandwiches now.

My maternal family gathers for Nans 94th Birthday party. Not evryone present made it to the photograph and not everyone was present. But it was a happy day.
I like this photo because every single person (aside from babies) is smiling a happy smile, most especially my dear old Nan.

And so I had my operation.
What a palarva. And what relief I felt as my head hit the pillow last night.
I'd nearly bolted I can tell you.
I arrived at the hospital to find they'd lost my notes, a bit of a blow to the confidence.
Then I met with the plastic surgeon, who told me how it wasn't possible to remove all the xanthelasma, just the biggest lumps, because it might risk changing the shape of my eyes, that I'd have two massive black eyes, detailed all the risks of infection and then asked me if I'd like to be asleep or awake, but if awake, blood would run down my eyeballs... thought I was going to be sick then and there.
As they'd lost my notes she said I had time to think about it further. I ran outside for air.

Upon my return, they kind of swiftly took me in the system. I was ushered into a cubical, changed into regulation hospital gown and foam slippers, all my clothes and belongings locked away, and I didn't even have the key.

So then began the long wait, with a few other tired and starving people, and their loved ones.
In the corner of the room, up high, was a badly focused TV, showing some gory hospital show. I thought 'how can they show this?' then the man next to me said, 'hey that's my wife' and suddenly the room became aware that this was a live broadcast from this very hospital, which was funny and scary, 'cos we all agreed that none of us wanted to be on telly in this particular outfit and situation.
At one point the fire alarm went of and the tv crew, dressed in blue hospital outfits were ushered into our waiting room, and made such a fuss about being off air for six minutes, and shouted loudly into their walky talkies and generally strutted about oblivious to the few of us assembled nervous, semi-naked types who were trying to ignore them and their programme.
We were all I guess, contemplating more life and death matters.

Fortunately the alarm stopped, the film crew were able to leave, and the anesthetist arrived to offer me a pre-med, and eventually, it was my turn.
And people were shoving needles into me, complaining I'd made my viens dissapear, asking me questions that got steadily more difficult to answer...

And the next moment I began to wake, acutely uncomfortable, feeling sick, throbbing headache. I was immediately offered medication, and the wheeled back down to the day patients place. Pretty quickly I was unplugged from my drip and off the trolly. I still had perfect vision. I had no idea what my eyes looked like, but was kind of past caring, just happy to have come through it.
T's dad arrived quickly and signed me out. It was wonderful to be home.

This morning, my eyes are not as bruised as they said, and its impossible to tell how they lokk really. T's dad's just gone to work, and I'm feeling sick for some reason.

Wish me luck....

Sometimes I think I ought to have some kind of negativity monitor installed on here.
I noticed this morning when having quite a luxurious and peaceful bath alone, that negativity levels were sky high. I wont bother listing all my negative thoughts, but suffice to say, I have decided to try get a grip, and enjoy the day.

I had promised myself I'd stop moaning on here, but right now I feel pretty fucking unsupported, and I guess pretty angry about it. So aside from awaiting the test results, four to six weeks says the nurse, my operation is now only four days away. The other night I had a complete panic attack and decided that I definately wasn't going to go through with it. Still I am. I will. It'll be ok.
I'll be brand new. Restored, like an old photo.
Sometimes I feel like I need an arm around me though, someone to listen and tell me it'll be ok. T's dad can't be there for me in that way.
I'm finding it hard saving up for the holiday. Like cutting back on food, for a week in Butlins alone with the kids. Thats hard sometimes. Again, it'll be worth it. Happy memories and all. But another pretty lonley holiday for me instore.
Tomorrow is Graces' dancing show. Which is always one of the nicest days of the year.

So today I managed to put all the old digital photos onto this machine. Here's one of Vee taken only last year but, he's really changed since. Grown up really.

I made this card for my lovley and good friend Rosie.

So today, I am due to have my repeat smear test.
I try to think what I have achieved since finding out last Christmas that all was not 'normal'.
Well, I have been able to achieve good sleep. Not long sleeps, but deep sleep.
The list of failures is longer. I haven't managed to drink all the water I promised myself I would. Why? Why? Why?
Why have I let myself down in this area? I dont know.
I've just got to hope that the sleep has enabled my body to do some repair work, otherwise... I am scared. Scared to death.
Yet curiously, I've been feeling so happy these days. Just so enjoying being T's Mum, well everyones' Mum , and even though things could be better with T's dad, They could be worse. Life is good and I feel strong. I will have to be strong. All this bloody medical bollocks. I hate it.

and Vee is fourteen.!

Ace is twelve!

I do apologise for that horrible photo you see below. It's not my normal sort of photo. It's just for me really. I want a record of before and after. I guess I just want a record of this strange things that has grown on me, due to a high-cholesterol levels, and their removal.

I am due to have this unsightly xanthelasma removed from my eyes on the 24thMay.
I feel very nervous about this.

This thread on Urban75 'were you a Ted or a Punk?' got me thinking about my youth.
So I've been listening to the Cramps, who still sound really good. Perhaps I like them even more now!
And looking at the few photos I have of those days.
Here's two taken at Caistor holiday camp in Great Yarmouth, at a rock and roll weekender, back in 1979 or'80.

With Sean.

My rockabilly days.
With Sue, Elaine, Carole and unknown bloke, who the more I think about it, must of been someone interesting, from a band I guess. Just look at the way we're all desperate to be in the picture with him.

who is that on the telly?

Ace & self

View from kitchen window, spring!

tulips on the south bank

It's all bullshit, you know.
Prompted to post as testimont to my own hypocracy.

self-loathing via smoke inhalation.

I am ...
I am stamping unreasonably hard on my laptop keys.

Anyways, it's election day, and I've been trying to keep this thread going on Urban75 'Reasons to Vote Green'.
I wish I could be a convincing intellectual online,
I wish it just flowed.
I could give myself the excuse that I dont have much time at all to do the reading and research that would enable me to provide reasoned and clever debate, but even then know I'd still be a bit slow.

Anyway I will be going to vote Green in a minute, I really hope there is a massive Green vote today.
We need mass demand for urgent action on climate change and somehow
I think that maybe a stong Green vote could possibly help in a some tiny way.
I apologise to all my revolutionary friends for this reformist stance, but...
I am..
flawed.

It feels almost funny to not spend a Mayday charging about everywhere.

Im at home nursing abit of hangover, Tony Blair is on the news talking and talking away. It's washing over me. Endless election talk but scarce mention of the environment. Actually T's dad wanted to watch Breakfast with Frost this morning for some reason, and Caroline Lucus was on, sounding really impressive.
I'm feeling relieved because I've just got back from bloody Tescos with masses of Shopping, treats and feast for my mighty boy, Vee who is 14 tommorow.
*insert massive proud smiley*


Realised last night that I drink far too quickly. I guzzle down beer even when I'm dancing, and I did a lot of that last night at Unsound, though the music wasn't particularly good. It was ok, suppose a bit oldschool drum & bass, really dancy, just nothing much new.
Something about Unsound has become far too sanitised and mainstream at this venue, but it was still fun, Full of good people.
I was crashing about like some huge ungainly dork, self-conconcious and socially awkward, much worse than usual unfortunately, but had great moments that I think outweigh the embarrassing ones, and I feel really happy today so I am glad I went.