Saturday, April 26, 2003
Lost the will to Blog recently, mainly because blogger has replaced my archives with an advert.
Is this usual, I wonder? Is there any point in me continuing? I definately dont like the thought of loosing my ramblings, my writing . The whole diary thing, you should be able to look back through it. If I cant sort this out it will have to be curtains for the blog.
Well, I'm definately looking pregnant now. Over the bank holiday weekend, my bump seemed to just pop out. This little thing inside me likes a lot of room. Likes to stretch.
I can see how already, its character will be completely different, simply because the amount of room in the womb it has had. Vee and Ace were very tightly held, its different this time.
I've hardly posted on U75 all holiday. Is all this web stuff bollocks? Just a time consuming/wasting hobbie?
Underlying depression beneath the veneer of positivity.
Is this usual, I wonder? Is there any point in me continuing? I definately dont like the thought of loosing my ramblings, my writing . The whole diary thing, you should be able to look back through it. If I cant sort this out it will have to be curtains for the blog.
Well, I'm definately looking pregnant now. Over the bank holiday weekend, my bump seemed to just pop out. This little thing inside me likes a lot of room. Likes to stretch.
I can see how already, its character will be completely different, simply because the amount of room in the womb it has had. Vee and Ace were very tightly held, its different this time.
I've hardly posted on U75 all holiday. Is all this web stuff bollocks? Just a time consuming/wasting hobbie?
Underlying depression beneath the veneer of positivity.
Thursday, April 10, 2003
I feel happy today.
I dont know how much has got to do with finally speaking to my lovley friend Maz last night, or still the effects of the weekend away. I guess a combination of both. To be loved, and to have a few very good mates, what more could you ask for really? I was really kind of relutant to tell Maz about being pregnant, for some reson, I guess I thought she'd think I was mad, but she was so nice, so funny, as ever. I really love her.
I dont know how much has got to do with finally speaking to my lovley friend Maz last night, or still the effects of the weekend away. I guess a combination of both. To be loved, and to have a few very good mates, what more could you ask for really? I was really kind of relutant to tell Maz about being pregnant, for some reson, I guess I thought she'd think I was mad, but she was so nice, so funny, as ever. I really love her.
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Yesterday got to think about this blog a lot because there was a thread about it on Urban75. Late last night worried that it was all bollox, far too personal, and of course no interest to anyone. However, I've decided that I must be true to my original idea, not put any pressure on myself, just turn up at the page everyday and write. For I realised what this blog is about. Essentially, writing. And so I'm not going to worry about anyone else, this is for my development. The slight chance that someone might read it, is like an internal checkometer or something, a good thing, a self control mechanism.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Something wonderful happened this weekend.
Xes' dad has what can only be described as a change of heart and takes me away for a dirty weekend by the seaside in our coach. He is so loving and kind that I immediately remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Sorely needed and so therapeutic.
The only sinister occurense being our witnessing a large explosion right next to Dungeness nuclear power plant, bang in the middle of our romantic, relaxing walk along the seashore. Everyone on the beach stops their kite flying or walk to stare at the grey plume of smoke and ask, "what the fuck was that?".
I guess we'll never know.
Every single time I go to the seaside, I end up next to a bloody nuclear power station.
We moved up wind of the damn thing and got on with our re-bonding.
Something bad happened this weekend also.
Vitamin2Ks' boyfriend Ant, killed himself.
R.I.P. Ant.
Xes' dad has what can only be described as a change of heart and takes me away for a dirty weekend by the seaside in our coach. He is so loving and kind that I immediately remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. Sorely needed and so therapeutic.
The only sinister occurense being our witnessing a large explosion right next to Dungeness nuclear power plant, bang in the middle of our romantic, relaxing walk along the seashore. Everyone on the beach stops their kite flying or walk to stare at the grey plume of smoke and ask, "what the fuck was that?".
I guess we'll never know.
Every single time I go to the seaside, I end up next to a bloody nuclear power station.
We moved up wind of the damn thing and got on with our re-bonding.
Something bad happened this weekend also.
Vitamin2Ks' boyfriend Ant, killed himself.
R.I.P. Ant.
Saturday, April 05, 2003
How much more rejection can I take?
Perhaps I have been told to fuck off once too often.
I wonder, am I at the end of my teather, or can I take anymore?
I wonder, am I at the end of my teather, or can I take anymore?
Friday, April 04, 2003
Actually painted the bathroom ceiling yesterday. Hooray!!! I totally need to make this flat a beautiful calm oasis. My sanctuary.
Felt quite cheery on the way home from school this morning, spent such a nice morning with Ace, watching her practice recorder, it's a nice quiet alone time we have, those 45mins after Vee has left, before we have to.
I see this morning that Mike, Editor of Urban 75 has now got a blog, so I must be on to something, I just need to know how to alter the template. I keep trying to understand all the <<<'s and >>>>'s , but fiddle about as I do, nothing seems to happen. There's somthing I am just not getting, I have to ask the universe for some guidance...or something. Plus I really want to publish pictures, I want this to develope into something more than just my own fucked-up ramblings, but dont know what, or more crucially how.
Felt quite cheery on the way home from school this morning, spent such a nice morning with Ace, watching her practice recorder, it's a nice quiet alone time we have, those 45mins after Vee has left, before we have to.
I see this morning that Mike, Editor of Urban 75 has now got a blog, so I must be on to something, I just need to know how to alter the template. I keep trying to understand all the <<<'s and >>>>'s , but fiddle about as I do, nothing seems to happen. There's somthing I am just not getting, I have to ask the universe for some guidance...or something. Plus I really want to publish pictures, I want this to develope into something more than just my own fucked-up ramblings, but dont know what, or more crucially how.
Thursday, April 03, 2003
The Antenna banner was happily, a great success. I always get such a buzz from making them and the praise they recieve. It is way cool and I enjoy every bit of making them
I just wish...If only there was more demand for such things, I could set up my own business, become independant...
Virtimin2k and I are also taking on the role of promoters and hiring a club to put on a breakbeat/hiphop night at the end of May. It's a financial gamble, but very exciting and another exciting possible future, although I am deeply troubled that this area might take off just as soon as I have to stay indoors for the next two or three years.
The more I think about it, the more I just cant see me getting any real support with X, until Vee is old enough to babysit, hence the two or three years, I suppose Vee and Aces dad will help, but I certainly wont be able to rely on it. I've had so much freedom for so long now, I am really worried about my confinement. I've also begun to think about the birth itself. Statistically, I am likely to be alone when labour starts, and this worries me greatly. The possiblities of false alarms pissing off Xes' dad. Hes just not very giving, and will resent it, me, when what I will really need is for him to stay with me around the time of the due date. I'm too scared even to mention this to him, for he is sure to say it is impossible.
I just wish...If only there was more demand for such things, I could set up my own business, become independant...
Virtimin2k and I are also taking on the role of promoters and hiring a club to put on a breakbeat/hiphop night at the end of May. It's a financial gamble, but very exciting and another exciting possible future, although I am deeply troubled that this area might take off just as soon as I have to stay indoors for the next two or three years.
The more I think about it, the more I just cant see me getting any real support with X, until Vee is old enough to babysit, hence the two or three years, I suppose Vee and Aces dad will help, but I certainly wont be able to rely on it. I've had so much freedom for so long now, I am really worried about my confinement. I've also begun to think about the birth itself. Statistically, I am likely to be alone when labour starts, and this worries me greatly. The possiblities of false alarms pissing off Xes' dad. Hes just not very giving, and will resent it, me, when what I will really need is for him to stay with me around the time of the due date. I'm too scared even to mention this to him, for he is sure to say it is impossible.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Well, should anyone be missing me turning up on the page, hello, here I am again. Had some problems logging in recently and also been quite busy sewing a banner/curtain for Antenna studios, which is Vitamin2Ks' brothers studio. Of course its for free, I've even found all the materials in my cupboard, so its just a gift to them. a gift for the future, and maybe, just maybe someone somewhere will commission one one day. Feel pessimistic about that though, yet I'm so good at making them, it comes so easy to me, giant scale-up sewn pieces. It's like its my only skill and there's hardly any use for it.
Obviously this means I have yet again temporarily shelved plans for home decoration. I think I'd rather do almost anything than paint my ceiling.
Just got very upset on the phone to Xes' dad, he is 'giving' me the camper van we bought together, because the tax is due and he doesn't want to keep it outside his house any more, even though he knows it is doomed outside my house, he is insistant. In fact he even started shouting at me down the phone when I said that I had enough responsibilties.
After the call, I cried and cried and couldn't even work out why, other than the van was something we'd taken on together and he was absolving himself from it, and now am free to go away on my own as much as possible. I never wanted to go away alone though, I thought it was something we'd do together. I honestly think we have no future together, particularly the way he shouts at me when I dont agree to with him immediately. I dont know anything anymore. Despair is always around the corner.
Obviously this means I have yet again temporarily shelved plans for home decoration. I think I'd rather do almost anything than paint my ceiling.
Just got very upset on the phone to Xes' dad, he is 'giving' me the camper van we bought together, because the tax is due and he doesn't want to keep it outside his house any more, even though he knows it is doomed outside my house, he is insistant. In fact he even started shouting at me down the phone when I said that I had enough responsibilties.
After the call, I cried and cried and couldn't even work out why, other than the van was something we'd taken on together and he was absolving himself from it, and now am free to go away on my own as much as possible. I never wanted to go away alone though, I thought it was something we'd do together. I honestly think we have no future together, particularly the way he shouts at me when I dont agree to with him immediately. I dont know anything anymore. Despair is always around the corner.
