I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

The best Christmas, ever.

Sophia, the woman who wants to swap flats with me, just turned up at my door, wanting to borrow Jay and his van for a bit. When I saw her, my gut reaction was extraordinary, I just didn't want to see her, or talk about the move, or plan for it in anyway. I was suprised by the strength of my feelings actually. It seems as if getting into university has changed my opinion on moving, yet again, and I mean why should I move further away from the Elephant? What sense does that make? I guess thats what's been on my mind, that it's better to live as near to Uni as possible, so as to make life and complicated childcare arrangements that bit easier.
Yikes though, it has come as quite a shock.
Otherwise though, I've just spent a whooping £220 on the christmas food shopping, my kitchen is bursting, our beautiful tree has a great many presents around it, and all family members seem happy and contented.
Have a cool Yule everyone !

The BBC Politics Show are running an online poll to find the greatest living political hero
and it was brought to my attention last night that Thatcher was currently in the lead, absolutely incredible though that is to believe...
Well, perhaps as a direct result of the good work of many at Urban 75 and my friends at The Void this situation has now turned around, and Tony Benn is currently the just leader.
I have met Tony Benn once as well, at a "Land is Ours " action, in Wandsworth way back in the nineties.
It was about 5.30am or something stupidly early on the very first day, and I staggered in bleary eyed and headed straight for the tea urn, and there he was. He actually reached out and shook my
hand, and introduced himself.
He's a top geezer.
Anyways, there's only about 1% in it, so, be sure not to let a travesty and that evil hag retake the lead.

Yay!!!
I'm back!!!!
Was without internet connection for a week, and was bereft at frist, then kind of quickly got used to life without it. Feels like I haven't got time to do everything now...
Anyways, I was SUCCESSFUL!!! I have a conditional offer at London South Bank University for primary pgce.
I am both very excited, and deeply apprehensive.
Not only do I have to pass the Maths, but I have to study for and pass (obviously) a science equivalency test...It feels like a big mountain to climb, but I've got this feeling I'm going to be a most excellent teacher if I manage it.

Awoke at 4am this morning, already replaying yestedays presentation back in my head. It was at least a minute too short. I wondered if it mattered, for a very long time.
I couldn't get back to sleep for thinking that I hadn't got in. There were far too many people in that room, for them to accept everyone. Perhaps they'd take half? Then I starts to wonder and wish I'd asked how many places they have on the course? And why oh why didn't I have any questions to ask btw?
If I had to choose half of my group, well, I might just scrap in, but then there's the written test to consider. I abslolutely know mine was just appauling.
I don't think I've got in.
Well I finally got back to sleep some time after 5.30, and when I woke the clock was mysteriously 1 hour and ten minutes fast, which was confusing, but fortunately it wasn't too late to get the kids to school. Weird though.
So now I feel very tired, and a bit down really. There's always a tiny bit of hope of course, but overall I think my chances are slim, and I so wish I had done better for myself.

..Ok well I'm back.
And I feel just rinsed out.
I can't even write really. I keep replaying the thing back in my mind.
Firstly the written test. Well, my mind went into siezure for at least 10 minutes. I experienced the weirdest sensation of reading the article given, but the words not going into my head. I had to keep reading, but still my mind was screeching OMFG a critical assesment of the piece!
So I get's something embarrasingly inarticulate down on the paper, and before I knew it the time was up.
Our names were then called out and we moved to another room to give the presentation, for some reason, I found myself going last.
Some where along the way, proberbly between the awesomely brilliant presentation about the life cycle of a seed, and the rather dull one about magnets (I couldn't believe it magnets were central to my presenation) nerves crept in and got a grip of me. As I tried repeatedly to blu-tak the posters I'd brought, to the resolutely unsticky white board, I kind of knew things didn't bode well.
I guess it wasn't too bad, but it certainly wasn't slick. I left out an important part, and I think I finished way too early, and I certainly messed up the whole magnet thing.
Arrgghhh.
Then finally came the group interview, which I came out of thinking it had gone quite well, but as bits of it come to mind I start to wonder, was I considerate to others? Did I show good listening skillls? Did I say anything at all to make me stand out from the others?
I just don't know.
I did look very smart though, for what that's worth, I haven't look as dandy since the late eighties.
I'll be amazed if I get a place. Amazed but very delighted.

Should be reading my notes, rather than blogging...
But it's a funny old feeling, just minutes to go before leaving for my interview.
I just found myself singing the Prodigys' Poison, "I got the poison, I got the remedy, I got the perfectly rhythmical remedy..the pressure.. the pressure..."
Anyways, kind of love this feeling, right before something important is about to happen. Takes me right back to more glorious times.
xx to anyone reading this. One love.

I am temporarily, and ok. admitedly a bit drunkenly very happy, because my lovley and beloved old mate Maz, of Lush designs just sat and listened to my presentation, and said it was very good.
I now feel a kind of confidence, that I knew was inside me, but haven't been able to access for some time.
As I travelled to her house on the bus this evening, I felt a tear in my eye as I thought about the me that I was saying goodbye to.
Nonsense, said Maz, you can still be a raver and a teacher, but I'm not sure if I think that's true.
And anyways, I might yet be rejected, and I'll be able to carry on as I've ever been.

Maz is a most wonderful friend though, and I am so thankful she continues to be my friend.

Feeling really odd this evening.
After a week of doing little else but trying to prepare for the pgce interview, I just feel very tired and infuriatingly unprepared still.
Vee had the afternoon off school, and sat patiently whilst I practised my presentation again and again. He's such a patient and kind boy. The practise exposed just how unfinished the thing is. Everything goes quite well for the first three minutes, but the last two are a mess. And my delivery seems to get worse each time.
Before I knew it, things were kicking off, dinner had to be cooked, my little one needed some attention, then baths, bedtime, and now it's late and I feel too tired to return to the thing tonight...
I still feel woefully unprepared to answer the question I now know they're going to ask me about the equality and diversity mission statment. However many time I read the thing, I can't seem get my head it, or what I would possibly say about it a group situation, and this could well be the key to securing myself a place..
So I just feel a bit down about it all. And at a loss to know what I can do in these last few days to improve my chances.