I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

After I posted last night, I became very unhappy and began to try and talk to Xes dad about some, well one really, fundamentally wrong thing in our relationship.
Of course this wasn't possible, things got bad very quickly, and he stormed off, leaving me alone once again.

It had ben so stressful staying in Cheltnam, I'd had to look after Xes in an unfamilier place, it was hard work. I'd stayed with Xwife whilst he was at the hosptital all evening. He'd decided to go on the piss on the way home and come home drunk at 1am. Then it was a restless, sleepless night, and it was naturally me who had to get up with Xes at 7am, and try and keep him amused in the strange house, and wait and wait for Him to get up. And later at the hospital, I was sitting in the ward with Xwife and their son and He goes out to the van for some painkillers, but just doesn't return.
Eventually, I go to see what has happened, and he is sleeping in the van. Sleeping whilst Im caring for Xes in a hospital with his first family. I feel like I am being played for a fool.
Then the truely dreadful, torturous journey home, and now is a sunny bank holiday Monday and I am alone. Again. He switches his phone off, for another undisturbed nights sleep.
I'm so confused by this. Should I just call it off with him? Would I be better off without him? Even when I try to support andd help him, like this weekend, he'd asked for me to come with, I get treated poorly.
There is no affection between us, no physical contact, no help with the baby.
What do I gain from his once weekly visit?
Not being utterly alone I guess, but I feel so lonley with him. What can I do?

Just returned from visiting Xes other brother in hostpital. He'd had his appendix out poor lamb. The van journey home was unbearable. Xes cried and cried and we kept stopping and breastfeedingg, putting him back in the chair, and he hated it so and screamed at me unable to comprehend why I seemed to be ignoring his call.. I felt physically sick. Wretched. It was dreadfful and as soon as we got near home I jumped out of the van and walked the final bit home.
A warm summers night in Brixton.
Ahh... I felt so plesed to be home, and the girl on the wall said hello and wasn't the baby growing and that felt nice like this was my estate too and I belonged here.
There's no place like home, as Dorothy says. There's no place like home.
I'm not sure I even like leaving London much, or at least, I hate the stress involved in traveling.

Ah...now I drink wine, then change Xes into his jimjams and rest and recover for this weekend has been exhausting.

I feel quite optomistic this morning. I'm meeting MrBC, this councillor/lawyer who has offered to help me with my transfer application. Another U75 contact. That website really is a lifeline for me at the moment.
I'm watching the chelsea flowers show on tv all day, I just love looking at all the flowers, I hope so much one day to have an outside space of my own. Maybe MrBC will be able to spin some magic for us, although I know I musn't get my hopes up. I will grow the most lusious garden/balcony ever.
As ever,I must strive to be happy in the moment. With the here and now.
Xes dad was nice to me yesteday. He says he loves me because I am independent.
Ho hum, I love it when he's happy with me.

sometimes, when I'm slightly pissed, it used to happen when I was stoned, so it's all too rare now, but sometimes, I just think this could be real creative. A proper outlet for me. Like with Dubversion, you know who you are, this geezer I know already through someone totally cool(Yay Andy)and now through U75. well he kind of inspires me. It's wierd, he's started to write more, like I should be doing, I like his blodg, I asked him how to post pictures, he told me, it was so easy, but this bit of info transformed my blog, and my relationship to it.

It must be common to think there is nothing to write down. When life seems, well not exactly dull, but kind of everyday. Ordinary.
Its funny 'cos my life used to be extra-ordinary. For sure. No bullshit. I mean it always has been kind of full on. Why should I think now is anything more than a quiet moment. A stillness for TYLER>


I can hear the extreamly loud plod plod of Xes dad coming up the stairs. His footsteps are incredibly heavy. He does not tread lightly upon this earth. He returns with more wine...

My Xes pulls himself upright on the furniture. You can see in his face how much he wants to walk. He is so brave and so determined.
And so sociable too. Hes eight months old now. That time has passed in a flash, a dream. Much as I have tried to hang on to every second, it has nearly passed. Xes will soon be a toddler.

Dandilion clocks are out in abundance. Hective looked after Xes whilst I went to the dentist to have an ancient filling removed. Hopefully I will be able to eat on both sides of the mouth now. Fingers crossed like, for when the novocane wears off.

It's nearly midsummer and I have got to stop dwelling on negative things.
So, the RTS collective gave themselves ten grand each and didn't even consider me, so fucking what.
So, one of Aces dancing class mums had a right go at me and then burst into tears as if I had just done it to her, so what..
So Xes dad is far away emotionally and physically, so fucking what.
So, there are 42 steps to my front door and no balcony and Lambeth council is beyond reasonable belief in there mindless heartless inefficiency...so what.

Life is right now, and I've simply got to stop wasting it feeling negative.
Of all the above, the first two are bollox. Sure I'd love a man and a garden, but I've just got to enjoy my life without them, 'cos neither are in my life. And there's precious little I can do about it.

Lilac is in full bloom, and smells so sweet.

Attended the birthday party of an old friend in Leytonstone. Tinkabelle came to collect me and Xes in her car, and properly looked after me all day, refilling my glass and bringing me bbq food. Her new husband's just returned to Australia so I guess she needs someone to look after a bit, so I'm lucky it was me for the day. She is such a loving and kind person. Always has been a good friend to me.
So the party was fun, Xes was happy in his new sling, leaving my hands free for holding drinks. The only wierd part was seeing all those people from what I now call, the 'ten thousand pound club'. Or the group formally known as London RTS.
Its just so wierd to have once been part of such a momentous thing and then slowley finally, to be excluded. Sarah advised me to seperate the two things to stop me from becoming too bitter and twisted.
RTS was one thing. The division of Limetrees' money, quite another. But I am the only one from those days who is not suddenly wealthy, and it feels well, crap, to be left out. Plus some people are now wierd to me, as if they wish I wasn't there to make it awkward for them. I definately felt this at the party, and its like we all know everyone knows, but only those who dare talk about it do I have any respect for. The others, well its just a bad vibe. Sadly.
All this properbly makes no sense. One day I must try and explain it.

Bitter sweet emotions today as I watch my beautiful daughter perform in her dancing class annual show. How fast she grows.
How magnificent she is. Time is passing, and soon she will fly away.
What will I do without her?

Oh my gosh, bloggers changed again.
I've been so ill. Had dinner at Hectives and got food poisoning. eugh.
Still feel dead rough. Dragging myself around. No energy.

This rose is known as the baby love.
I love my baby.

I'm going to have to work harder on giving up the fat, as next Tuesday I have my consultation with the plastic surgeon to remove the fatty deposites from around my eyes. Yuk.

Forced to wake up at 5am by my little one. Felt so impatient and cross, which I hate.
I get such resentful feelings towards his dad for not being here to lighten my load, or at least to lend a hand in those desperate moments.
I fear I'll wake up one morning, and all my hair will haved turned grey through prolonged sleep deprivation.

Last night I watched the red lunar eclipse in a clear sky, brilliant with stars.
Curiously enough, I am bleeding.
Acyually, it's quite wierd that earlier yesterday I choose to post that red circular image, without knowing what I would witness that evening.
Solstice is nearly here, I am becoming very in tune. I must be sure to listen most carefully.

It's very peaceful. Just me and Xes. It was a lovley weekend, but I was left completely drained, literally actually, as my right breast was lumpy and swollen and quite painful, I guess I wasn't concentrated on breastfeeding properly.
Upgraded my browser, and am enjoying sorting out my desktop. Hective says he's giving me the laptop and that will be brilliant 'cos I'll be able to look after my own digital photos all by myself. Independance is the key to everything, it seems.

I need to build shelves, and fast. Xes is crawling. He looks so sweet as he explores places in the flat never before seen to him, like the hall, moving from room to room, himself, full of achievment. My love.

Vee said it was his best birthday EVER.
And coming from him, well he has really high standards, and so I'm pleased. And very happy. After his mates left, me my two baby fathers and three kids, all went out for dinner and it was so nice. I walked home with vee on one arm, Ace on the other, totally in sync, the two dads behind chatting, all very happy. A great success.

Vee's gathering is going better now, except they're now watching an impossibly gross episode of South Park, the one that's about having sex with someones dead grandma, and one boy is sitting here looking slightly mortified. Ho-hum...At least Vee's chilled out.

Today is my biggest son Vee's 13th birthday. I am officially the mother of a teenager.
He is right now sitting with three of his best mates trying to play a co-operative video game. He is being, I have to say, unbareably bossy.