I'm just going to have to trust you completely...

Things are looking up!

Yesterday a letter arrived from Guys hospital saying that the date for my operation to remove the unsightly xanthelasma from my eyes has finally arrived!
I am very nervous. Cosmetic surgery. Am I nuts? Am I so vain as to get some come-uppance? Hmmm....I've got to go for it. I've waited eighteen months for this and at times my appearence has really depressed me. Should I not care what I look like now I am forty? I dont know, but it will be nice to get rid of these marks.
So the ops. on May 10th, and the day before I am due my next smear test.
It occured to me yesterday that perhaps, maybe, my health worries will be over, well they might have to get drastically worse first, but there is a chance, a chance, that my extra vitimins and good sleep I've been getting will have boosted my immune system into activity. It's still a worry though.

Anyway, not only that, but on a different note, I downloaded Picassa, the photo managing system, and I think I love it. I'm terrified it might do something unpredictable to the computer of course, but as things stand, I think its going to help me no end.

View from my kitchen window last winter.

So part of the reason I'm so fucked up is that I have this massive and irrational fear of being alone. If I have a few days ahead of me with the prospect of no adult company, I start to panic.
Well the last few days it's just been me and T, and well actually, it's been really nice. On Sunday I made an effort to do something, so we went to Tate Modern, but it was horribly crowded and we left very quickly prefering to sit by the river and watch the boats going by. We had a sandwich in the Festival hall and were lucky enough to see the rehersals of some urban dance show they had on.
Yesterday I tried out this new toddler group at the library which T. got a real kick out of, and I felt him and me get even closer, if that is possible. I've been going to bed really early, which in turn helps me smile at 6am when T rolls over to say 'hi!'
I honestly dont know why, but for now at least, my dark mood has lifted.
It's like so much of 2005 has been troubled with illness or upset, perhaps it's time for a change. Time to let go properly of Hective, and develop even more of a take it or leave it attitude with Ts' dad.
Must be this time of year. I love the light, and if I'm very lucky and concentrate on my breathing, synchronicity, that sublime feeling of being 'in the flow' might well return.

I feel so much better today.
Last night I took the big step of leaving Vee baby sitting T.
I didn't leave till after T was tucked up soundly in bed, and was back by 10.30, so I was out less than two hours, and the 'do' I went to was quite dull, but oh the joy I felt as I first stepped out of the flat and walked down the road! What exquisite freedom and independance from anyone and everything. Like my family has suddenly become self sufficiant.
I was back just in the nik of time though, T had woken up and had quite a teary face. Another ten or twenty minutes and they would of been in crisis, but as it happens, it all worked like a dream.
They're still a bit young, both the boys either end, but I can see a future, and it is ok.

Well there's been no word, and since he didn't answer then turned his phone off, I haven't tried either. So we are at a stalemate.
I wonder, is this it for us?
Our stormy, troubled relationship.
Well....??

Pounding System


Whilst T sleeps, I've just been reading some blogs on the Urban75 blog roll. And I am even more morbidly depressed than before I started. Dubversions' excellent
Pounding System tells of his plans for a magnificent Glastonbury. And I'm gutted or maybe plain jealous (not in a nasty way at all) that it is not me. And why the hell should it be? All I ever did at our parties was work the door or bar, whilst getting completely twatted. I just loved it all so much, had great plans for sekshun6, but it all went pearshaped, like everything seems to.
If I'd wanted to go that much, I should of bought a bloody ticket, but I didn't because I dont. I guess Im feeling a bit wistful for those days when I could easily blag a ticket. Ho hum, times change.
Anyway, the very best of luck to Peoples Republic of Disco, though I'm sure they wont need it.

Sinking...
I'm finding it hard to get on with my domestic chores. Dont know if I just cant be bothered, or cant face them. So the flat's getting deeply out of hand. And I just spend every spare moment that I should be doing them, staring here at this screen waiting. Waiting for what, I wonder? For some jerk-off to insult me on Urban75? I get enough of that in the real world. Someone called me dull, and that hurt. It's like everyones worst nightmare, to be called dull isn't it? Fucking dull, bitch, slag, ignorant...take your pick.

Crossing boundaries.
This was the first argument, where he has called me names. It's wierd, but they stick in the mind; pyscho, slag, fucking bitch...
And I wonder what has held him back before.
Why has he crossed that line this time? Can't help thinking it doesn't bode well.

Also 2k hasn't answered my e-mail. I think she's finished with me also. Everywhere around me walls are crumbling, and the real crisis is yet to come.

It's all fucking BOLLOCKS

What a terrible mistake that was. And somehow, I knew it even before I'd even left. Ts dad didn't speak to me all weekend. I either played quietly with T, or sat alone whilst he played with his dad. This went on for hours and hours, and then of course we had this massive argument bacause I couldn't keep quiet. He screamed at me that I was a psycho and a slag that I wanted to agrue etc. etc.
I had wanted some company.
T. pucked all over me in the van on the way home. His dad stormed off away and switched his phone off. End of, as far as he's concerned.
I have to distract myself. Think about anything else. I am so fucking fucked off with not getting on with people. Perhaps it is me. Perhaps I am actually physically incapable of maintaining a good relationship with anyone. Sometimes I just dont know what the fuck is going on. Why do I expect him to talk to me?

Totally unpredicatbly, after 20 months, I gave up breastfeeding T. We were out of the routine, and it seemed like a good opportunity. Perhaps this is heightening my sense of loss. Times move on. Things begin and things end. My baby is now a small boy.

I have agreed to accompany Ts' dad to Derby tonight in his works van. I feel apprehensive about it. I absolutely hate all that being on a motorway. I think I hate leaving London now unless it's to visit the sea. Still it's too late to back out now. I'll try and take some photos, and it will be good for T to see some sheep.

Well I'm sitting here at my laptop, with my fast connection and listening to Resonance radio http://www.resonancefm.com/, T's asleep, big kids back at school, and I have a moment of calm to appreciate my modern and may I say, techno surroundings. I am really liking the broadband, I hope I am easily able to afford it. feels as if it'll be ok, and its so good to have my own cyber independance.
I'ts been a funny weekend, because on the day of the royal wedding, Hective comes to me and says even though he has invited me to his wedding, Bride does not want me there, so I am now uninvited. I felt awash with emotions, which is silly, 'cos I dont really mind not being there at all. It's just that it sends me a clear message about my place, and even as I write this, I dont really know how to feel, but desperately want to do the right thing. The thing is that the kids are upset by my exclusion as well. I think it doesn't bode well. I could understand it much better if we didn't have the children, but we do, and I'm their mum, and well, it all feels a mess now.
Anyways Ts' dad was unexpectedly brilliant throughout this, and took me and T to Brighton for the day on Sunday, and I very much enjoyed the sea view, far away horizons and big brilliant blue skies.
Before that, on Saturday, I popped in at the cannabis benefit party that was going on down the road. I totally wished I hadn't for not only was it incredibly dull, but three assosiates from the past came in, two from the 'ten thousand pound club' and began to accuse my dear friend filmmaker Paddy, of de-masking one of them at Genoa. It was all really nasty, and yet another one of those situations where I didn't really understand, and wondered why suddenly I was in the middle of it. I tried to get them all together so we could talk about and find out what really happened, because I genuinely believe Paddy to be a good sort. I dont even know if he would do such a thing, it sounded so unlikely. Anyways the lary ones refused this, and then fortunately they passed out on the sofa. I felt upset by the whole exchange, because suddenly I found myself on the wrong side of everyone, for standing up for Paddy, and I also asked the lary one what he was doing at the front throwing stuff, thereby exposing myself as the fluffy I have always, and openly, been. So I guess they can fuck off.
I also saw my old friend Bashment Bish, who has cut off all his locks shaved his beard, and well the vision of him was the stangest thing my brain had to get used to in a long time. From rasta man, to hip-hop kid in, well, moments. Wierd.

A news report today about a possible vaccine for cervical cancer has just triggered a bout of fear and worry.
I am so frightened. Apparently one in twelve women will recieve an abnormal smear test and wait for the repeat test, hoping and willing that their immune system will fight the good fight. And win.
I am angry at myself. In December when I was told this news, I set myself some goals, and carried them out for all of January. Then I dont know what happened really, but I have failed even to juice. I have failed to drink enough water. I have failed to achieve deep sleep very often. And Im fucking scared, and angry for lunching myself out. Being ill didn't help, my immune system has had a lot to cope with. Plus I haven't really managed to give up smoking even. I smoke tobacco at every chance. I have in the last three months even bought packets of tobacco, though I cant remember how much exactly. I've definately smoked a spliff every weekend.
It is as if I cant really make the connection this time.
Last time it happened, I was deathly serious about my healing. This time I haven't really helped my body at all. I just shoved it to the back of my mind. It makes me feel sick.
I've got one month left...

I just posted this on U75, but I love it so much, and in light of my previous posts, I just ?needed to see it here.




I mean, wouldn't it be great if some of our public space was used in this way?

This dramatic picture by Antonio Olmos http://www.red-top.com/olmos/
just about sums up the heartbreak felt, when watching these massive trees come down.

Wanted to find a picture of Newbury that could best illustrate my memories. I'ts impossible really, especially because they seem hard to find, but this did resonate with me. I spent a lot of time, not very high up trees, feeling isolated, waiting to be pulled down.

The trees are begining to come out!
My estate is being transformed! The change is dramtic. Every morning I get up to a different, more leafy view. Nature works fast, and is so busy now, you can feel the stirring.
I always find this time of year so exciting. Nature is so inspiring even deep within the city.
Over the winter it is easy to forget the gift of privacy that the trees bring especially for us, on our estate.
Seeing the trees like this reminds me of the last days in the third battle of Newbury. The final eviction was King Arthurs ' Camelot. It took place on last last day of March, I think, if not on April fools day itself. All that winter we'd hung around or up trees, but they were of course always bare. Mighty but dormant. And we'd fought for each and everyone of them. There were 768 arrests at Newbury and I too was one who was criminalised there. Trying to save trees.
Anyways, just as Spring had sprung into action, the last tree was felled for that road, and I returned to London and watched all the trees bloom in defiant magnificence , a good deal more closely than I had ever done before.
Trees are great!

I have had two revelations this week;
firstly I met, whilst at the U75 online do at Brixtons' Dogstar, the very lovley Stig again , who not only offered to help me route Vees' and my computor, but most crucially, shaves the sides of her dreads, just because, it looked better! Which really helped me get a grip on all my recent hairstyle trauma.
And Tees' Dad. When discussing our recent dispute, he said to me, 'you've got to understand that I always mean to do the very best, even when I get it horribly wrong.
And for some reason this time, I did understand.
Anyhow, the result of these two things, is that I have a slightly improved outlook this week.